*** LONG-WINDEDNESS WARNING: The following post is likely to cause severe drowsiness. Do not operate heavy machinery while reading ***
On the radio tonight, there was a discussion of the marital and societal influence of pornography and the need to love and help people addicted to pornography, as the addiction may be a symptom of deeper psychological issues, such as past sexual abuse, about which the addicted person's spouse may or may not know.
My mind veered off into a tangent upon the proposition that a husband or wife might not know about his or her spouse's prior sexual abuse. That seems like something you would absolutely, unquestionably tell someone you trusted and loved enough to marry. It is likely to affect relationships. It's undoubtedly relevant. I see no good reason to keep it from the person supposedly closest to you. It honestly puzzled me.
I've seen enough examples and talked to enough people to know that very many people do not share my views that if you are marrying someone, you'd better darn well be willing to share your past, let them see your embarrassing, awkward teenage pics, see each other naked, fart in front of each other, tell them how you're feeling and know they'll not abuse that trust, etc.
I don't understand not being able to feel totally open with your spouse. Seriously. One flesh? Sacred union? Come on, people! You don't take that step without serious trust and connection. ...or do you? Is that why the divorce rate is so high?
I do understand not divulging the sordid details of each past transgression or unpleasant experience. I understand letting the story of your life unfold naturally as the relationship deepens and cements. But to not disclose to your spouse the fact that you were abused as a child? Your spouse? I don't understand how people view relationships of that nature if they can't share something like that. It seems so foreign to me, not to mention unhealthy.
I've never had a marital relationship, and I've not been sexually abused, so maybe I just don't get it, and I certainly don't want to be insensitive by calling it unhealthy. I appreciate the fact that sometimes there's fear of rejection or other reactions. I understand that some things aren't particularly significant, and it's just a matter of time before they come up.
I most definitely understand feeling like you're ugly or unlovable because of some part of your life that you don't think anyone will fully understand. The feeling that you must keep part of your life or your psyche carefully tucked away and hidden is very, very familiar to me. Painfully familiar, which may be partially why I am so vocal about this. Life seems so much better when you're not afraid of, running from, or ignoring parts of it or parts of yourself.
I'm not totally forthright about everything to everyone. I recognize that. I don't think you must open every page of your book for every person. Trust and openness are built over time, and some people take longer than others. But I try to work towards being open in healthy ways rather than focusing energy on keeping things hidden. It's unnecessarily stressful, I think, to be constantly fearful or hyper-cautious of what page your friends and loved ones might turn to. I've been there, done that. I don't want to go back to it. And when it comes to the person you marry, if you can't open up to them, to whom can you?
Maybe someday I'll say, "Now I see; while I wish I could be fully open with those closest to me, I've put myself in a situation where being totally open about this would cause unnecessary pain to those I most love. It's best to let it go and put that chapter away for good." But call me cynical: I do not believe most people keep things from their spouse or partner for the good of the other person. I think it's most often for their own protection, allowing them to avoid accountability or preventing the need to really integrate their life rather than keeping their life fractured into independent variations. That integration is often uncomfortable. But no matter how closely I guard parts of my life, those things simply are part of my development and experience, or part of me. And if I don't trust the other person will love me regardless of my past, with all my flaws, and see me for who I am today and the decisions I'm making now, what kind of love do I have for them? What kind of relationship? What kind of bond? If they only love me according to the shiny parts of me I've selectively shown them, how unfair I've been to snooker them into marrying only most of a person and to deny them the opportunity to show the real extent of their love.
At one point, I would've thought I could withhold certain things from a spouse. "Our relationship is fine, and this is obviously not ruining it, so no need to rock the boat, right?" Sometimes, a relationship is too new, too fragile to introduce more challenges into it. And few relationships merit full disclosure. Hopefully, by the time marriage is on the horizon, both parties are familiar enough with each other and committed enough to be confident that no matter what, they're going to work through things, difficult or not. And before entering into a covenant with someone, you'd best let them know what they're in for.
Even as I write this, I realize that 10 years ago, or even 5, I was probably the person I'm lecturing to. It's a little surreal. But something has changed in my perspective. There is so much beauty and healthy authenticity in opening yourself up, and I don't want to go back to being more closed. Relationships that aren't building towards that kind of trust are those I would personally rather just keep casual and incidental.
So let others live their lives how they choose. Let them build their relationships the way they say works for them. While it may seem, to me, like an unnecessary blueprint for building shame, compartmentalization, distrust, and division into the relationship, maybe other people just ascribe different importance to different things, and I just have to find someone compatible with me who values the same kinds of openness and communication. I wouldn't want anything else. I couldn't commit to anything else. If I were to marry, I would want my spouse to become part of me and vice versa as completely as anyone can, and there would be no part of me I fear being seen or touched, even if it's not totally comfortable. I can't imagine it being any other way. There are some naive ideals I'm not willing to set aside. This doesn't, by any means, imply that this is the most important part of a relationship or that I'm anywhere close to perfect. I'm well aware I wouldn't be the easiest person in the world to marry. It's just something that's essential to me.
So, to my hypothetical future companion, if we are in love, if we are committing to each other, if we are merging our lives into one, please trust me with things like past sexual abuse. Please believe me when I say I will try to be sensitive and respectful. Trust that if you are who you appear to be today, and I love you the way you deserve, I will not love you less for having imperfections, or for something in your past you still are affected by today. Hang on the hope that I will be able to see through your supposed flaws to the underlying and overarching strengths and qualities. Give me the chance to choose to know and love all of you, the complete you.
4 comments:
Long-winded posts require long-winded replies. :)
I think intimacy is different for everybody. One healthy person might be driven by it, another might not. Fear of it is unhealthy and should be addressed, but perhaps not everyone who doesn't like it is unhealthy. I'm not sure.
That being said, I think the most important thing is for people to find a companion that has the same feelings about intimacy as they do. I know I couldn't marry anyone that isn't completely willing to share themselves with me and let me share myself with them. But there are undoubtedly people that are in relationships where they are both completely fine not sharing intimate/personal/heavy things. It's just a whole different brand of relationship with different motivations. Two people that don't disclose these things may well be in an unhealthy relationship, but maybe not.
I do think you're right though, too many people don't really comprehend what a big deal marriage is, and how intimate it ends up being.
I mean, this is the person that is supposed to be your everything mushed into one - best friend, family member, lover, etc. For most of our lives we have numerous people to fill these positions but a spouse needs to fill them all. You may not tell a lover about past traumas and mistakes, but you'd tell a family member or close friend (we hope). If your spouse is all of these things, chances are you'd be more willing to share.
Nope. No drowsiness to report here...
I really enjoy these introspective posts. Ideally, I want to agree with everything you said. The trouble is, it's hard to be that open and honest when you've spent your entire life holding back. Especially when you fear that people will judge you as harshly as you judge yourself (a lil' shout-out to a previous post there...)
I really admire the courage it took for you to "decompartmentalize" certain aspects of your life. You're far ahead of me on that one, I think.
Honestly, I can't imagine being open enough with anyone to fart in front of 'em, or even to share awkward teenaged pics! I'm still too self-conscious. So bravo to you for not having those hang-ups. :)
Thank you for this post, it was well worth the read. A few thoughts:
First off, I do agree with most of what you said, and understand it was said by one who has never suffered abuse.
When you talk about avoiding accountability I will, however, take a small stand. (I almost want to discourage your word choice of accountability, but think I understand you well enough to let it slide.) Avoiding accountability vs. reliving a true, horrific nightmare. Even in a safe zone/loving relationship, to knowingly reimmerse yourself into those memories takes courage beyond what I think you can imagine. Abuse is a form of torture. I think people do not think of it this way unless they have experienced it first hand.
That said, should it be divulged to your potential spouse? Yes, it should--IF you can do it. To those of us who are talkers and have a good support base in our lives it is easy for us to encourage in others what we would innately do ourselves; what looks good on paper and makes sense in our minds. Humans and their experiences are much more complex than this.
Perhaps a more realistic meeting place between potential spouses would be at least an acknowledgement, and it can go from there as the victim of former abuse deems appropriate and healing.
Obviously we can go back and forth qualifying our statements with further examples and scenarios, but the bottom line is that for some people the hurt legitimately goes deeper than even the initial love and trust they may develop with others down the road. It is a steep road to climb, and many times it isn't about a lack of trust with another person so much as the thought of forcing yourself to relive it again. Would it be worth it, YES, but it cannot be simply placed on the "prerequisite realtionship menu" and ordered as a "starter" for your relationship. Doesn't mean you have to stop having that as a prerequisite for your own spouse; that's always going to be up to you. I only advocate extreme gentleness towards victims of abuse. The more gentle their environment the more likely they are to naturally bring it up on their own when they are ready. Will it be before or after a wedding? That's the question.
Should it also be a demand?
I should probably clarify that the comment about accountability, and others, weren't referring to abuse victims but mostly to people who have DONE things in their past they may be ashamed of or embarrassed about. The abuse question was a catalyst for a string of thoughts.
Thanks for the insights and perspective, Autumn. I really do hope I would be able to be sensitive to the issues surrounding such tender subjects as abuse, but the very fact that I'm expressing ideas that probably reflect a lack of understanding would likely be an automatic flag that would make some people hesitant to share. :-)
I understand not sharing things with people I want to be closer to because of little signs that they might not be ready to hear it or talk about it. But abuse adds a whole set of other dimensions and emotional facets that I can only try to grasp and empathize with in some small way, so I hope I don't sound calloused about it.
Should it be a demand? I would definitely need openness about those things before vows are made, at least to the extent that we're able to talk about the fact that things happened and the feelings around them (I don't think details would be necessary--I wouldn't want someone to put someone through the hell of reliving those experiences just so I can feel validated), I also understand that the depth of openness and trust increases well into the relationship, and some things just take time, and some details may need to just be left behind until the individual is ready to resolve things, if that time comes.
Maybe it's hard for me to separate the person from the relationship. I can see that some people are simply not ready to work through certain things or think about them. I've been there. But I'm glad I didn't get married before I did face them. But then, maybe it would've worked out OK and I would have had an amazing companion by my side to help me work through them, even as we adjust and rework our relationship in light of newly surfaced feelings and details. I don't know.
I'd like to say that I could be with someone who had such a buried emotional knot or deeply hidden pain, and that I'd be patient and let them take their time in opening up about it, given other signs of trust and commitment to the relationship. I'd hope they'd be the same with me. There may be things I have yet to truly face and work through that I'm just ignoring right now.
But if I'm brutally honest with myself, I do wonder whether I'd be able to be seriously involved with someone who couldn't at least talk about those things. I wonder if I'd feel enough trust if they couldn't open up completely while I felt like I could. I wonder if I'd feel like I can't trust them if they can't trust me. I know you said it's necessarily not about trust but about horrific pain and resistance to revisit it, and I guess I can see that intellectually, but translating that into an intimate relationship could be really hard for me.
So I might face a dilemma: insist on finding someone as "open" with me as I am with them, possibly excluding some beautiful people or limiting myself to people who have had it too easy in life, or run the risk of being in a relationship where there's an imbalance of emotional exposure and vulnerability and feel like I'm missing out on a full connection. Then again, maybe everyone has to do that to some extent...
You see what my brain does when jogged? *grin*
Hm, well for now, it's back to work: phone calls where I can actually answer questions solve problems and send people happily on their way. *wink*
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