I know people whom most people seem to love. One such is fabled to be able to obtain most people's whole life history within 10 minutes after first meeting. Another is charming, talented, good-looking, and fun. Another makes you feel immediately at ease with her warmly outgoing demeanor. Another is supposedly as sweet as any person you'll ever meet. When you get right down to it, I think most people you meet have admirable qualities and are generally well-intended. And I know many people don't understand or agree with me when I say this, but I'm convinced almost everyone in this world, including those whom 99% of the population would call any of an array of unpleasant words, has a relative or a close friend who will insist that "deep down, he/she is a sweetheart, and you just have to get past the layers."
There are quite a few people I can "click" with in some way. There are many really fun people in this world. A lot of funny ones. "Sweethearts" all over. Highly successful and talented people. People who can stroke my ego are everywhere. People who lend levity and laughter are pretty common. People who will engage in a lively intellectual debate are possibly less common but still in no short supply. People who will lecture me on my faults are also on every street corner. And speaking of street corners, I don't imagine I'd have to pay for sex if I really wanted to go out and find it--there are plenty of people willing to offer physical affection in various forms with or without trust and familiarity. I'd even guess there are few people in this world who, if they were really in trouble, wouldn't have somebody to come and help them.
Some argue you should embrace all friendships and learn from them and just let relationships blossom and die as they are needed. Part of me agrees and tells myself, "Why be choosy with all friendships? Why not just love people for who they are as far as you can see with your flawed vision and follow your 'heart'? Why not let anyone and everyone into your life, if only for a moment?" The problem is that hearts are fickle. Affection waxes and wanes, often in conjunction with hormonal cycles or how needy you feel at a given time. And affection is, to put it bluntly, fairly cheap and easy to come by. It can even be directed at people who don't deserve it but abuse it.
Paradoxically, the most "romantic" notion of following your heart and the intensity of emotion and letting relationships ebb and flow based on your current affections seems the most hollow, insincere, non-romantic approach I can think of. Fully indulging all passions or attractions (speaking sexually or non-) actually nullifies and empties them of richness and savor. When I've really thought about approaching relationships from that seemingly hedonistic perspective, or when I've tried to do it, it has felt so empty and meaningless to me. There are other people's feelings to consider, and energy spent, and to pick up friendships because they're shiny and new only to drop them on the sidewalk when the newness wears off seems awfully self-serving. It seems like relationship gluttony. I'll sample random foods at a buffet and not finish them if they don't appeal, but I think relationships are different. ...aren't they? I mean, beyond college freshman age, at least.
Here's the thing: I only have who-knows-how-much time in which to develop relationships that enrich my life and make me a better person where needed and build and uplift and magnify the best parts of me, and I them. I also only have so much energy to invest in each potential friendship that crosses my path. Maybe it's the curse of being so very introverted, but if I simply explore every one that comes along, it's that much harder to achieve the kind of depth of connection and commitment I want and need. Therefore, being really fun, totally charming, or extremely good-looking, having a naughty body, or being unusually talented, highly intelligent, or "really nice", and even being "helpful" and giving me lots of things are simply not enough for me. Weird? Maybe. But I feel a need for other qualities, at least in friends I hope to keep around at all.
I sometimes forget what I value most in friendships. I have caught myself, at times, trying to see that everyone I meet is "conquered" or wooed in some way. Each new meeting is an opportunity to convince one more person how clever, desirable, fun, or intelligent I am. It's about satisfying an experimental curiosity to see whether I can win this one over, too. And I've sometimes let attraction overpower my better judgment in the development of relationships, or occasionally ignored potential friendships based on shallow measures like lack of attractiveness.
It seems somehow paradoxical, but I suspect what I want most from a friendship is more about who the other person is, beyond the immediate appearances, than about how much we "like" each other or how much "affection" we feel towards each other. Though I do know some very respectable people I just have little interest in getting to know. And I know some very "lovable" people I wouldn't trust with anything. So I guess the friendships I consider most valuable are those with a healthy appreciation or respect for who the other person is, independent of our relationship, and affection. The kinds of traits that matter, then, do not come from a "fun" friendship but from who that friend is as a person, independent of or in spite of my presence in their life.
I want friends who challenge me as they support me. Friends who know me beyond what pop culture tidbits we both follow. Friends who will help others without demands of recompense. Friends who compliment with no expectation of returned praise. Friends who support my positive goals. Friends who will tell me when they're concerned about me but will try to understand and love me when I respectfully choose differently than they would. Friends who are basically the same people no matter who they're with, not playing to a crowd, no matter who that crowd is or how respected. Friends who let me know where I stand with them, good or bad, so I know where our strengths are and what we can work on strengthening. Friends who don't play politics with their relationships and who work through the rough spots together rather than ignore them or point fingers. Friends I can trust, and they me. Friends who would not knowingly try to hurt or degrade me, even if they thought I deserved it. Friends who make decisions by principle, not by the passing whims of emotion and situational ethics.
I guess when I put it that way, I'm demanding a lot. Maybe too much. Do I fit all of those descriptors from all perspectives? No, I think not. So I try to strike a balance between enjoying people for who they are and savoring the "sampling" I may get of each person. After all, how can you ever get beyond the surface if you only allow people into your life based on initial impressions? So I suppose I should try to learn what I can from all people, no matter how different they may seem from my ideals (I'm not good at this but getting better) and appreciate passing relationships for what they are, moving on while holding on to a few enduring, close relationships that are more productive in the long-run. And I'm happy to say I think my closest friendships do fit the bill, and for that I am grateful, which I probably don't express nearly enough.
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