I'm a pretty heady guy. Yes, yes, pick up your jaw if you can and try, for a moment, to control your shock at this announcement. I'm analytical. I'm practical in certain ways. I often seem coldly detached from situations I'm trying to figure out. I probably come across as all befuddled when I feel something my head tells me not to blindly act on. What people don't see is where I've made a decision with my heart and come up with reasons to explain it. All others hear is the reasoning to back it up, not the fact that the decision was actually fairly based on what I felt in my gut. Nevertheless, I'm a heavily logical person, and I more often rely more on reason than on emotion in making decisions.
But despite my seemingly (yes, I use the word "seemingly" quite deliberately) coldly analytical personality, I'm a bit of a romantic in ways that might surprise some who don't know me really well.
I want to share our deepest ideas and appreciate each other's talents and teach each other. I want to be able to talk about anything. And I want to take someone special back to my hometown to see where I grew up. I want to bring someone home to meet my family. I want to carry on family traditions and start new ones with someone who will share them with me for life. On the sappier side, I would like to kiss someone in a downpour. And I want to have "our song", "our place", "our movie", "our inside joke"... I want to make meals together and eat by candlelight. I do kinda want some of this puky romantic stuff. I do. Although, try to get too lovey-dovey with me, and I'll probably laugh and roll my eyes. Hey, I'm not THAT sappy.
For someone so heady, you'd think I'd be much more careful about falling for someone with whom I know a relationship will not be able to go anywhere. Yet there are some situations in which my mind apparently has less sway over my heart than I'd like. Maybe someday, I'll fall for someone who's actually right for me. Until then, stone cold single me lives on...
23 February 2009
Sissel
Sissel is simply good for my soul. My first introduction to her music was actually the MoTab Christmas concert a couple of years ago. That was definitely my favorite MoTab Christmas concert I've been to, and I highly recommend (in fact, insist on) adding the album, Spirit of the Season to your Christmas music collection. I fell in love immediately, and by the end, I was wishing she were single...and closer to my age...and lived within a couple thousand miles...'cause dang it, I'd ask her out in a heartbeat. She seems like such a classy lady, and beautiful, a consummate performer, a good-hearted person, and with a completely angelic voice.
Probably my favorite song of hers, originally done by...Abba?:
Vitae Lux, a performance which beautifully showcases her voice as well as her (and many of my ancestors') beautiful native language:
Can't Go Back (Better Off Alone) - SUCH a chick song, but the video's kinda fun, and it's an example of her more adult contemp style, and...I'll sheepishly admit to having identified with the lyrics a time or two...fine, I said it, happy?:
Interview about her appearances with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir:
All Good Things:
I will, Sissel, I will.
Probably my favorite song of hers, originally done by...Abba?:
Vitae Lux, a performance which beautifully showcases her voice as well as her (and many of my ancestors') beautiful native language:
Can't Go Back (Better Off Alone) - SUCH a chick song, but the video's kinda fun, and it's an example of her more adult contemp style, and...I'll sheepishly admit to having identified with the lyrics a time or two...fine, I said it, happy?:
Interview about her appearances with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir:
All Good Things:
I will, Sissel, I will.
22 February 2009
Some People Have Real Problems
Every once in a while, when I'm struggling with something, the name of the album of a musical artist I really like comes to mind: Sia's Some People Have Real Problems. Most often, it helps me remember some perspective and feel less sorry for myself. Since it came to mind just now, I decided to post a few Sia videos here:
One of my favorite songs of hers, performed live:
One I hadn't heard/seen before...interesting but different from what I am used to from her recent stuff:
An interview from a couple of years ago in which you get a glimpse of her fun, casual personality:
One of my favorite songs of hers, performed live:
One I hadn't heard/seen before...interesting but different from what I am used to from her recent stuff:
An interview from a couple of years ago in which you get a glimpse of her fun, casual personality:
Afterthoughts: Some Insecurities
A friend's comment on my Coping With Scrapping Celibacy post sparked me to write out some thoughts I'd not thought to include but which are significant enough that I'm going to post them here in addition:
--------------------------
...thanks for the encouragement and feedback. As for the jealousy that it's not with me, I deliberately left that vague but yes, since you opened that can, it has been the case at least once in the past, particularly where I had believed feelings were mutual but I found out weren't reciprocated quite as I'd thought.
But after writing this, and rewriting it, and adding an addendum, there's another aspect of it I don't think I wrote: it kills me when dear friends I feel so attached to wander off into territory I won't follow them into, like I'm losing them to a world of experiences I can't fully relate to.
And maybe, just maybe, I still experience some other subtleties that I'm now remembering feeling from my younger years: I do wonder if I partially take it personally, that they would rather have X than stay "with me". As pathetic as that sounds, I think there may be something to it.
It's been especially hard when we'd identified so fully in so many ways. In some cases, we were in similar life situations, with the same dilemmas, and while I've known we'd each be making decisions and following our paths, I've tended to think those paths would be similar if we were dealing with things similarly, and when our paths started to diverge widely, maybe I've felt like I've lost a precious part of that friend to something or someone else that doesn't deserve or didn't earn their dedication like I do/did. While that may be partially true in certain cases, I think if I dealt with things better and didn't feel so alienated or "left behind", they would go on wanting to be friends, probably not as close as we'd been, but close nonetheless, just with different experiences.
The problem is that I get hurt really easily when I see someone withdrawing in any way, withdrawing attention, withdrawing time, withdrawing affection, wanting to be friends but just not as close as we were...especially when it seems to be connected with something frivolous like playing with fun body parts or getting drunk...
...add on top of that and everything else the occasional desire that if anyone had gotten to fool around with them, it was me, and you've got a recipe for messiness. Total messiness.
Interesting. Thank you, Dr.
--------------------------
...thanks for the encouragement and feedback. As for the jealousy that it's not with me, I deliberately left that vague but yes, since you opened that can, it has been the case at least once in the past, particularly where I had believed feelings were mutual but I found out weren't reciprocated quite as I'd thought.
But after writing this, and rewriting it, and adding an addendum, there's another aspect of it I don't think I wrote: it kills me when dear friends I feel so attached to wander off into territory I won't follow them into, like I'm losing them to a world of experiences I can't fully relate to.
And maybe, just maybe, I still experience some other subtleties that I'm now remembering feeling from my younger years: I do wonder if I partially take it personally, that they would rather have X than stay "with me". As pathetic as that sounds, I think there may be something to it.
It's been especially hard when we'd identified so fully in so many ways. In some cases, we were in similar life situations, with the same dilemmas, and while I've known we'd each be making decisions and following our paths, I've tended to think those paths would be similar if we were dealing with things similarly, and when our paths started to diverge widely, maybe I've felt like I've lost a precious part of that friend to something or someone else that doesn't deserve or didn't earn their dedication like I do/did. While that may be partially true in certain cases, I think if I dealt with things better and didn't feel so alienated or "left behind", they would go on wanting to be friends, probably not as close as we'd been, but close nonetheless, just with different experiences.
The problem is that I get hurt really easily when I see someone withdrawing in any way, withdrawing attention, withdrawing time, withdrawing affection, wanting to be friends but just not as close as we were...especially when it seems to be connected with something frivolous like playing with fun body parts or getting drunk...
...add on top of that and everything else the occasional desire that if anyone had gotten to fool around with them, it was me, and you've got a recipe for messiness. Total messiness.
Interesting. Thank you, Dr.
21 February 2009
Coping With Scrapping Celibacy
Preface:
Some of you who read my blog may, whether I know it or not, be the very people I'm talking about here. I want you to know that I do love and care about you, and not just in a pitiable sinner kind of way, and while a lot of what I've been writing lately may sound preachy and judgmental, or just plain archaic and naive, please understand that I am trying to process everything verbally so I can get feedback and help in sorting everything out. If you feel like I'm talking about you, or you "used to" feel the same things I'm describing but have found constructive ways to be bothered less or more "open", you're welcome to share your thoughts with me to help me better understand where you're coming from: my purpose is not to lambaste a whole subset of my friends publicly but to sort out what the @#$% I'm going through personally.
To all readers: if you can't handle some pointed questioning and blunt or somewhat explicit language, or if you will just roll your eyes, stop here and go do something more useful with your time.
--------------------------------------
My Conundrum
Obviously, if you look at a couple of my recent posts, one of my biggest current emotional/paradigm crises is this whole chastity/morality/sexual expression thing. It's just been a very, very long time since I've watched friends actually choose to become "sexually active". Many of my friends are celibate. A few "slip up" here and there, but they claim, at least, to believe those were mistakes and try to do "better" in the future. And some friends were already sexually active when I met them. But some are shifting, crossing over that line, and watching friends go from "celibate" to "sexually active" has always, for some reason, been really hard on me, and I'm wondering why.
Since junior high and high school, I've not really run into the phenomenon of friends choosing to go from celibate to unabashedly sexually active, usually with multiple partners, whether serially or concurrently...until I moved to Utah (go fig, I guess the whole "late bloomers" thing applies more here). Maybe I should clarify what I mean by "sexually active": I mean deciding that genital stimulation to climax by various means is acceptable and desirable regardless of the commitment level of the relationship.
It's not just the fact that people open up to having sex that bothers me as much as the fact that when they do, it's most often with a careless flippancy, a self-serving arrogance, or reckless abandon. The problem I see is that isn't really about relationships and intimacy but about "fun" and self-gratification. It's that they decide to fool around often as a result of already having crossed a line they hadn't intended to and not as a deliberate, premeditated choice and most often start exploring sex without any real relationship. I guess that's the norm in most of society, but it doesn't feel right to me, it just doesn't sit well.
I think what most bothers me is that as my friends let go of their moral standards, I often see changes that are hard to watch. The way they approach relationships becomes baser, more shallow and pleasure-seeking. I see many of them losing sensitivity to others and becoming more callous and self-absorbed, which seems the opposite of what should happen if you've experienced something that truly makes you happy and enriches your life. I see them becoming absorbed into their self-serving world and looking condescendingly, almost with laughing eyes, though some try to hide it, when someone expresses a hint of concern. I see their eyes go cold and their general warmth diminish. They start speaking in more nonchalant tones and arrogantly shrugging off what they now regard as prudish notions. They change, unless it's just my view of them that changes. I can't be sure, I guess.
Whatever is really going on with them in the process, and whatever is just my perceptions and paradigms, it's hard for me to watch. I understand, to some extent, the process and what people go through on their way to sexual exploration.
Slippery Slope or Natural Progression
It usually starts with grinding and "heavy petting" during making out, which I don't count as "sexually active" but is definitely going through some of the key motions. Sometimes, I've known people to make out naked, and that's not regarded as sex, just naked kissing. Then, people often decide it's OK to "dry hump", because it's not really sex, and pants, at least, stay on, and nobody is "touching" anyone's privates, so even though a guy may reach orgasm in the process, it's just a byproduct of making out, not "sex" per se, right? Then they decide genital stimulation with the hands is OK, because it's not really sex, it's just...well, when you've had your hands on every other part of the body while making out, what's the big deal touching that additional, small area of flesh? It's just a tiny step, and it's not penetration or anything. Then they often decide oral sex is OK; it's just another way of making out with some extra benefits. Then they admit they just don't believe sex is something worth "saving for marriage" (often because they don't think they'll ever be married anyway, so they're entitled to a little enjoyment in life too), and it is just a recreational thing you do with someone you're attracted to, as long as you're "responsible" about not spreading diseases, making babies, or hurting other people.
I know at least some of what goes on in the process that leads up to this. I know that you make out with someone, and it's hot and heavy and maybe lusty, and you don't feel the least bit guilty for your passionate interaction. You really like and appreciate your make-out partner, and you both were "in the moment". You both might have said previously that you "shouldn't" do this or that, but when the moment arrived, and you were both "in the mood", things happened, and it takes two to tango, so it's not like anyone was being coerced. You may think, "well, I hadn't expected to do it and wouldn't have chosen to in advance, but I just got caught up in the moment," but you don't feel "bad" or "guilty" for having gotten "carried away" because it wasn't a conscious choice, it just happened. The next time, you go farther, and you're again surprised that you feel like you could've gone "all the way" and probably not felt guilty about that either. Weird. Isn't this supposed to be "sinful"? If it's so wrong, why don't I feel bad about it? So the next time...
Whoa Nelly
I'll be honest, quite possibly the only thing stopping me, at one point, was the fact that I had made a decision ahead of time that I would only cross certain specific boundaries if I had previously, in emotional/mental soberness, decided I was ready to make that call the next time the opportunity presented itself. I knew that "in the moment", I am not thinking totally clearly, and rather than determine my decisions based on circumstance, I wanted to be my own agent and determine where I'd express sexuality, not become guided by or slave to my (sometimes very strong) sexual appetite. I realize not everyone sees this as a valid way of doing things. I'm just saying that I do understand that, in the moment, things don't seem at all wrong that you previously thought were taboo. I also know that, in the moment, you're generally not thinking about much of anything outside of that one experience. I also could see that, once you've been naked with someone, or let's say you've groped each other everywhere but "there", or you've "dry humped", the line is so blurred that I imagine it'd be really easy to just say, "Who are we kidding? If we've done this and that, it's hardly different to just go ahead with the full thing. Let's stop being so childish playing these games and just do what 'normal people' do when they're into each other like we are." The blurring of the lines...I get that.
Factors Other Than "We Got Hot and Heavy One Time"
I know what it's like to feel totally unsure whether you'll ever get married, which is rough for those from a background with certain moral codes. Until you find someone to marry and start a family with, the law of chastity as taught by the LDS Church (and many other churches) declares that you are to practice abstinence your entire life, if necessary. So until marriage, you're left trying to figure out exactly how strict you're supposed to be with each relationship and at what point your affection and physical intimacy has crossed over to "inappropriate" territory. It's especially hard when you aren't sure where the relationship is going but you feel really close to each other and, let's be honest, intensely attracted to each other.
I imagine it's especially hard when dating someone who doesn't come from the same background and for whom sex is just a part of every romantic relationship, and there's the pressure of knowing that if you don't "put out", someone else will. I think sometimes people stay in relationships and compromise their own values for fear of losing the relationship if they don't.
There's also a kind of double whammy for gay (or same-sex attracted) LDS folks because even if you find someone you want a romantic relationship with, if you're trying to live by church standards, you're not allowed a "committed" relationship of the kind that feels most fulfilling and natural anyway (meaning one with someone of the same sex). This creates a couple of difficulties. First, there's nobody to be "faithful" to, since you're not allowed to be, which lends an inherent tendency to regard random fooling around or "slipping up" as actually less "immoral" than having a committed relationship. Second, for many with little or no hope of a "proper" mixed-gender relationship, there's an understandable (regardless of correctness) sense of entitlement or abandon: "Everyone else gets to have a little fun while dating...and everyone else gets to get married and experience sexual intimacy...and I'm supposed to not only be single by choice and celibate but not even kiss the people I'm attracted to? And I'm never allowed to have a civil union or marriage other people are allowed because same-sex relationships aren't condoned by the church, so I am never allowed a relationship in which sex is OK unless I either miraculously feel for someone of the opposite sex the way I've felt for people of my own or I lie to fit the mold? If I don't fit into the 'plan of happiness' anyway, then I need to chart my own rules for my anomaly of a life." I imagine single people in various places in life struggle with whether they'll ever be married or "fit the mold".
Yet I Struggle To Accept It: Why?
Knowing what I've described above about the natural process people often go through, why am I so shaken when another friend jumps off of the "chastity" train and decides to abandon sexual restraint and just have fun? Why don't I "understand" and just get over the fact that most people my age and in my situation are doing things differently than I am and get over it?
Is it because I rarely see anyone return from it? It seems like once that dam is broken, there's no going back most of the time until someone catches an STD or falls in love with someone who forces them to wait, and they re-assess the value or role of sexuality as a result.
Does my inability to shrug it off go back to my LDS upbringing in which chastity seems to be one of the highest, most sacred laws of mortality? Is it because I am somehow, even in my agnosticism regarding certain principles, concerned that people are jeopardizing their eternal welfare and derailing their spiritual direction for nothing but repeated, momentary self-gratification? Do I actually have a conviction I'm not in touch with and can't stand to see people "giving up" on chastity so impatiently in their mid-to-late-twenties as if they've "done their part" to live it and are nonchalantly throwing in the towel in a way they might deeply regret in 5, 10, or 20 years?
Is it simply because I see their behavior as foolishly self-centered and childish unless it's an intimately bonding experience between two adults in a committed relationship?
Is it because I need to believe others are doing what I'm doing to validate my own restraint? Is it my own insecurity? Do I want to shake people and slap them because I, personally, don't know what I believe and am looking for someone to prove that chastity does, in fact, lead to happiness, and I'm devastated when another friend fails to provide evidence of it?
Is it because there really is something inherently dangerous or reckless about the way they're going about it and I have very good reason to be concerned?
Is it because it's so far outside of my own limited paradigm that I can't handle my friends leaving my narrow scope of perspective?
Is it because I am, at heart, judgmental and unforgiving?
I've had so much trouble when I've heard friends shift their story from "I really don't want things to go in X direction," or "I really, really don't want X to happen with so-and-so. I'm not ready to go there, and we're not even officially dating." Then, a few days later, they put themselves in a highly tempting situation which they insisted wouldn't be "a problem" (though any objective observer knew it would be), stuff happens, they cross the line they said they didn't want to cross, and the next day, their song has changed to, "I'm just comfortable doing things you're not. You need to accept that I have different boundaries." I'm left thinking, "Your boundaries only changed after you'd crossed them anyway! Or you were lying to me about your true intentions, and maybe to yourself. What kind of half-assed decisions are you making with things you've been so careful about for your whole life until now, anyway?"
But I know that's not how it seems or feels to them most of the time, and they may have other reasons for doing what they're doing, and maybe they're OK to explore and, if needed, repent later and be that much stronger and sure in their course for it. And if they don't "come back" to celibacy, maybe that's OK too and I'm just an old-fashioned prude who needs to get over it. Maybe I'm totally off base and will change my mind next week. Or maybe...I just need to let it go somehow.
My Tentative Conclusion
I generally approach things from a calm, moderated perspective. Why do I flip out over this issue? Maybe it's because of a mix of all of the above reasons. I'm not sure, but I'm inclined to think it's especially because:
What To Do About It?
So in short...it's me. I've just got to deal with it and learn to cope. I've got to learn to not worry about other people's consequences. I've got to learn to let people self-destruct a little when there's nothing I can do to stop it. I've got to learn that when someone seems to choose sexual gratification over sexual intimacy, there's not much I can do to convince them otherwise, and I probably shouldn't even try, especially when I'm not sure they share my values or beliefs, regardless of religious affiliation or whatever lip service they've given in the past. I've got to learn that when someone seems to have chosen a shallow relationship over a deep one, I can't always see what qualities the relationship has that aren't obvious to me or what the person is really looking for in a relationship, despite what they may say. I've got to let people seek out frivolous or fun-based sexuality because that's what they want even when it pains me to think they're settling for a shell of what they could easily have and deserve, and besides, I've done some of that myself. I've got to learn not to be jealous that others are experiencing what I want to but am saving until it means something more, since I'm the one making that decision. And I've got to hold out some hope that maybe, just maybe, there's someone else in the world like me with whom I match up, and our paths may cross someday, and we'll both be glad we didn't let sex become just another form of recreation when we experience it (for the first time or not) as a soaring, intimate, special, unique-between-us (not to mention really fun and completely free and passionate) expression of deep, heartfelt, selfless love, appreciation, and simple hotness.
Or, more simply, I could use the more scientific method: experiment the next time I feel inclined to do so with whoever I have a budding romance with, with whom it wouldn't just be a trashy one-night-stand, and see where it takes me. Or decide to fool around with a friend where there's a mutual attraction--friends with benefits. If there's a real friendship, and we're both aware it's just for fun, maybe there's really nothing wrong with that. How do you know until you try, right? Just let go and let the consequences fall as they may. After all, you build your principles on experience, and if you've never had an experience to "prove" a principle, you try the alternatives to see what the results are, right? Maybe this whole clinging to principles because someone said so and it just seems logical and right isn't enough, and at some point, we all have to venture outside of the bounds to know if the bounds are where they even should be. Maybe it's OK to risk being a "bad example" for the sake of "learning for yourself".
I'm just not sure I'm interested in doing something that doesn't ring true just because the alternative has lost its luster or seems hard. So for now, until I decide to further loosen up my sexual strictures, if I ever do, I've just got to cope and hold on to a shred of hope that there's a meaningful reason for not loosening up those strictures and that there are others out there, however bleakly rare they seem, to whom I could be attracted and who see it as I do and won't run off to more sexually casual candidates when they discover just how much I mean it when I say I want to wait. Is that what it amounts to? Maybe so. I'm glad we had this talk.
Some of you who read my blog may, whether I know it or not, be the very people I'm talking about here. I want you to know that I do love and care about you, and not just in a pitiable sinner kind of way, and while a lot of what I've been writing lately may sound preachy and judgmental, or just plain archaic and naive, please understand that I am trying to process everything verbally so I can get feedback and help in sorting everything out. If you feel like I'm talking about you, or you "used to" feel the same things I'm describing but have found constructive ways to be bothered less or more "open", you're welcome to share your thoughts with me to help me better understand where you're coming from: my purpose is not to lambaste a whole subset of my friends publicly but to sort out what the @#$% I'm going through personally.
To all readers: if you can't handle some pointed questioning and blunt or somewhat explicit language, or if you will just roll your eyes, stop here and go do something more useful with your time.
--------------------------------------
My Conundrum
Obviously, if you look at a couple of my recent posts, one of my biggest current emotional/paradigm crises is this whole chastity/morality/sexual expression thing. It's just been a very, very long time since I've watched friends actually choose to become "sexually active". Many of my friends are celibate. A few "slip up" here and there, but they claim, at least, to believe those were mistakes and try to do "better" in the future. And some friends were already sexually active when I met them. But some are shifting, crossing over that line, and watching friends go from "celibate" to "sexually active" has always, for some reason, been really hard on me, and I'm wondering why.
Since junior high and high school, I've not really run into the phenomenon of friends choosing to go from celibate to unabashedly sexually active, usually with multiple partners, whether serially or concurrently...until I moved to Utah (go fig, I guess the whole "late bloomers" thing applies more here). Maybe I should clarify what I mean by "sexually active": I mean deciding that genital stimulation to climax by various means is acceptable and desirable regardless of the commitment level of the relationship.
It's not just the fact that people open up to having sex that bothers me as much as the fact that when they do, it's most often with a careless flippancy, a self-serving arrogance, or reckless abandon. The problem I see is that isn't really about relationships and intimacy but about "fun" and self-gratification. It's that they decide to fool around often as a result of already having crossed a line they hadn't intended to and not as a deliberate, premeditated choice and most often start exploring sex without any real relationship. I guess that's the norm in most of society, but it doesn't feel right to me, it just doesn't sit well.
I think what most bothers me is that as my friends let go of their moral standards, I often see changes that are hard to watch. The way they approach relationships becomes baser, more shallow and pleasure-seeking. I see many of them losing sensitivity to others and becoming more callous and self-absorbed, which seems the opposite of what should happen if you've experienced something that truly makes you happy and enriches your life. I see them becoming absorbed into their self-serving world and looking condescendingly, almost with laughing eyes, though some try to hide it, when someone expresses a hint of concern. I see their eyes go cold and their general warmth diminish. They start speaking in more nonchalant tones and arrogantly shrugging off what they now regard as prudish notions. They change, unless it's just my view of them that changes. I can't be sure, I guess.
Whatever is really going on with them in the process, and whatever is just my perceptions and paradigms, it's hard for me to watch. I understand, to some extent, the process and what people go through on their way to sexual exploration.
Slippery Slope or Natural Progression
It usually starts with grinding and "heavy petting" during making out, which I don't count as "sexually active" but is definitely going through some of the key motions. Sometimes, I've known people to make out naked, and that's not regarded as sex, just naked kissing. Then, people often decide it's OK to "dry hump", because it's not really sex, and pants, at least, stay on, and nobody is "touching" anyone's privates, so even though a guy may reach orgasm in the process, it's just a byproduct of making out, not "sex" per se, right? Then they decide genital stimulation with the hands is OK, because it's not really sex, it's just...well, when you've had your hands on every other part of the body while making out, what's the big deal touching that additional, small area of flesh? It's just a tiny step, and it's not penetration or anything. Then they often decide oral sex is OK; it's just another way of making out with some extra benefits. Then they admit they just don't believe sex is something worth "saving for marriage" (often because they don't think they'll ever be married anyway, so they're entitled to a little enjoyment in life too), and it is just a recreational thing you do with someone you're attracted to, as long as you're "responsible" about not spreading diseases, making babies, or hurting other people.
I know at least some of what goes on in the process that leads up to this. I know that you make out with someone, and it's hot and heavy and maybe lusty, and you don't feel the least bit guilty for your passionate interaction. You really like and appreciate your make-out partner, and you both were "in the moment". You both might have said previously that you "shouldn't" do this or that, but when the moment arrived, and you were both "in the mood", things happened, and it takes two to tango, so it's not like anyone was being coerced. You may think, "well, I hadn't expected to do it and wouldn't have chosen to in advance, but I just got caught up in the moment," but you don't feel "bad" or "guilty" for having gotten "carried away" because it wasn't a conscious choice, it just happened. The next time, you go farther, and you're again surprised that you feel like you could've gone "all the way" and probably not felt guilty about that either. Weird. Isn't this supposed to be "sinful"? If it's so wrong, why don't I feel bad about it? So the next time...
Whoa Nelly
I'll be honest, quite possibly the only thing stopping me, at one point, was the fact that I had made a decision ahead of time that I would only cross certain specific boundaries if I had previously, in emotional/mental soberness, decided I was ready to make that call the next time the opportunity presented itself. I knew that "in the moment", I am not thinking totally clearly, and rather than determine my decisions based on circumstance, I wanted to be my own agent and determine where I'd express sexuality, not become guided by or slave to my (sometimes very strong) sexual appetite. I realize not everyone sees this as a valid way of doing things. I'm just saying that I do understand that, in the moment, things don't seem at all wrong that you previously thought were taboo. I also know that, in the moment, you're generally not thinking about much of anything outside of that one experience. I also could see that, once you've been naked with someone, or let's say you've groped each other everywhere but "there", or you've "dry humped", the line is so blurred that I imagine it'd be really easy to just say, "Who are we kidding? If we've done this and that, it's hardly different to just go ahead with the full thing. Let's stop being so childish playing these games and just do what 'normal people' do when they're into each other like we are." The blurring of the lines...I get that.
Factors Other Than "We Got Hot and Heavy One Time"
I know what it's like to feel totally unsure whether you'll ever get married, which is rough for those from a background with certain moral codes. Until you find someone to marry and start a family with, the law of chastity as taught by the LDS Church (and many other churches) declares that you are to practice abstinence your entire life, if necessary. So until marriage, you're left trying to figure out exactly how strict you're supposed to be with each relationship and at what point your affection and physical intimacy has crossed over to "inappropriate" territory. It's especially hard when you aren't sure where the relationship is going but you feel really close to each other and, let's be honest, intensely attracted to each other.
I imagine it's especially hard when dating someone who doesn't come from the same background and for whom sex is just a part of every romantic relationship, and there's the pressure of knowing that if you don't "put out", someone else will. I think sometimes people stay in relationships and compromise their own values for fear of losing the relationship if they don't.
There's also a kind of double whammy for gay (or same-sex attracted) LDS folks because even if you find someone you want a romantic relationship with, if you're trying to live by church standards, you're not allowed a "committed" relationship of the kind that feels most fulfilling and natural anyway (meaning one with someone of the same sex). This creates a couple of difficulties. First, there's nobody to be "faithful" to, since you're not allowed to be, which lends an inherent tendency to regard random fooling around or "slipping up" as actually less "immoral" than having a committed relationship. Second, for many with little or no hope of a "proper" mixed-gender relationship, there's an understandable (regardless of correctness) sense of entitlement or abandon: "Everyone else gets to have a little fun while dating...and everyone else gets to get married and experience sexual intimacy...and I'm supposed to not only be single by choice and celibate but not even kiss the people I'm attracted to? And I'm never allowed to have a civil union or marriage other people are allowed because same-sex relationships aren't condoned by the church, so I am never allowed a relationship in which sex is OK unless I either miraculously feel for someone of the opposite sex the way I've felt for people of my own or I lie to fit the mold? If I don't fit into the 'plan of happiness' anyway, then I need to chart my own rules for my anomaly of a life." I imagine single people in various places in life struggle with whether they'll ever be married or "fit the mold".
Yet I Struggle To Accept It: Why?
Knowing what I've described above about the natural process people often go through, why am I so shaken when another friend jumps off of the "chastity" train and decides to abandon sexual restraint and just have fun? Why don't I "understand" and just get over the fact that most people my age and in my situation are doing things differently than I am and get over it?
Is it because I rarely see anyone return from it? It seems like once that dam is broken, there's no going back most of the time until someone catches an STD or falls in love with someone who forces them to wait, and they re-assess the value or role of sexuality as a result.
Does my inability to shrug it off go back to my LDS upbringing in which chastity seems to be one of the highest, most sacred laws of mortality? Is it because I am somehow, even in my agnosticism regarding certain principles, concerned that people are jeopardizing their eternal welfare and derailing their spiritual direction for nothing but repeated, momentary self-gratification? Do I actually have a conviction I'm not in touch with and can't stand to see people "giving up" on chastity so impatiently in their mid-to-late-twenties as if they've "done their part" to live it and are nonchalantly throwing in the towel in a way they might deeply regret in 5, 10, or 20 years?
Is it simply because I see their behavior as foolishly self-centered and childish unless it's an intimately bonding experience between two adults in a committed relationship?
Is it because I need to believe others are doing what I'm doing to validate my own restraint? Is it my own insecurity? Do I want to shake people and slap them because I, personally, don't know what I believe and am looking for someone to prove that chastity does, in fact, lead to happiness, and I'm devastated when another friend fails to provide evidence of it?
Is it because there really is something inherently dangerous or reckless about the way they're going about it and I have very good reason to be concerned?
Is it because it's so far outside of my own limited paradigm that I can't handle my friends leaving my narrow scope of perspective?
Is it because I am, at heart, judgmental and unforgiving?
I've had so much trouble when I've heard friends shift their story from "I really don't want things to go in X direction," or "I really, really don't want X to happen with so-and-so. I'm not ready to go there, and we're not even officially dating." Then, a few days later, they put themselves in a highly tempting situation which they insisted wouldn't be "a problem" (though any objective observer knew it would be), stuff happens, they cross the line they said they didn't want to cross, and the next day, their song has changed to, "I'm just comfortable doing things you're not. You need to accept that I have different boundaries." I'm left thinking, "Your boundaries only changed after you'd crossed them anyway! Or you were lying to me about your true intentions, and maybe to yourself. What kind of half-assed decisions are you making with things you've been so careful about for your whole life until now, anyway?"
But I know that's not how it seems or feels to them most of the time, and they may have other reasons for doing what they're doing, and maybe they're OK to explore and, if needed, repent later and be that much stronger and sure in their course for it. And if they don't "come back" to celibacy, maybe that's OK too and I'm just an old-fashioned prude who needs to get over it. Maybe I'm totally off base and will change my mind next week. Or maybe...I just need to let it go somehow.
My Tentative Conclusion
I generally approach things from a calm, moderated perspective. Why do I flip out over this issue? Maybe it's because of a mix of all of the above reasons. I'm not sure, but I'm inclined to think it's especially because:
a) I'm questioning my own boundaries to some extent and whether I really am excessively prudish and would get over all of this if I just went ahead and experienced some things for myself.
b) I've seen a lot of people "fall into" patterns of behavior they didn't "mean to" adopt, and they most often never fully get out of them because they become slave to their appetites and have given up on boundaries because they are, in fact, hard to maintain, particularly for those who have never learned to avoid situations in which temptation to do what they intended not to do ends up right in their face.
c) Sexual expression often interferes with real emotional, intellectual, and spiritual bonding and intimacy rather than enhancing it as I think it should and fools people into thinking they're "in love" when they don't show the maturity, selflessness, or dedication of lasting, active "love", which they would recognize if they weren't thinking with their lusty bits. Maybe that's all some people are capable of, but when I've seen a glimpse of more, of their potential for real love and intimacy among their friends, family, and their past boyfriends/girlfriends, it worries me when they go chasing after what appears to be a cheap imitation, particularly when I really love the person and want to see them happy and fulfilled.
d) I really would like to experience sex as a special, intimate experience with someone special to me, and I'm less and less convinced that there are more than a handful of people in the world who would consider it as "special" as I would, so I get bent out of shape when another one drops off.
What To Do About It?
So in short...it's me. I've just got to deal with it and learn to cope. I've got to learn to not worry about other people's consequences. I've got to learn to let people self-destruct a little when there's nothing I can do to stop it. I've got to learn that when someone seems to choose sexual gratification over sexual intimacy, there's not much I can do to convince them otherwise, and I probably shouldn't even try, especially when I'm not sure they share my values or beliefs, regardless of religious affiliation or whatever lip service they've given in the past. I've got to learn that when someone seems to have chosen a shallow relationship over a deep one, I can't always see what qualities the relationship has that aren't obvious to me or what the person is really looking for in a relationship, despite what they may say. I've got to let people seek out frivolous or fun-based sexuality because that's what they want even when it pains me to think they're settling for a shell of what they could easily have and deserve, and besides, I've done some of that myself. I've got to learn not to be jealous that others are experiencing what I want to but am saving until it means something more, since I'm the one making that decision. And I've got to hold out some hope that maybe, just maybe, there's someone else in the world like me with whom I match up, and our paths may cross someday, and we'll both be glad we didn't let sex become just another form of recreation when we experience it (for the first time or not) as a soaring, intimate, special, unique-between-us (not to mention really fun and completely free and passionate) expression of deep, heartfelt, selfless love, appreciation, and simple hotness.
Or, more simply, I could use the more scientific method: experiment the next time I feel inclined to do so with whoever I have a budding romance with, with whom it wouldn't just be a trashy one-night-stand, and see where it takes me. Or decide to fool around with a friend where there's a mutual attraction--friends with benefits. If there's a real friendship, and we're both aware it's just for fun, maybe there's really nothing wrong with that. How do you know until you try, right? Just let go and let the consequences fall as they may. After all, you build your principles on experience, and if you've never had an experience to "prove" a principle, you try the alternatives to see what the results are, right? Maybe this whole clinging to principles because someone said so and it just seems logical and right isn't enough, and at some point, we all have to venture outside of the bounds to know if the bounds are where they even should be. Maybe it's OK to risk being a "bad example" for the sake of "learning for yourself".
I'm just not sure I'm interested in doing something that doesn't ring true just because the alternative has lost its luster or seems hard. So for now, until I decide to further loosen up my sexual strictures, if I ever do, I've just got to cope and hold on to a shred of hope that there's a meaningful reason for not loosening up those strictures and that there are others out there, however bleakly rare they seem, to whom I could be attracted and who see it as I do and won't run off to more sexually casual candidates when they discover just how much I mean it when I say I want to wait. Is that what it amounts to? Maybe so. I'm glad we had this talk.
20 February 2009
Adrift and Lonely
I know my family loves me. But they don't understand everything I'm going through. I'm not sure I can tell them everything without upsetting them or making them feel a need to "help" by creating a "teaching moment".
I have close friends who I think would drop everything to be there in my time of real need, yet they all have important things going on this weekend, and I don't want to complicate their lives with my little super-depression. I know it's a matter of bad timing and geographical distance, but I just want to be comforted but don't know who can possibly comfort me tonight.
The person who has been one of my main go-to people and in whom I was really emotionally invested is now someone I can't be around due to complications in our friendship. The trigger for my emotional collapse tonight is that I just called for an indefinite "break" for my own sanity and the good of the friendship, if it's to continue. As I drove away, I felt a brief moment of confidence and strength that I would be better off for this, followed by a meltdown upon the renewed sense that it felt like "goodbye", not "I'll see you later". I'm mildly relieved to be distanced from the stresses of the friendship but mourning the loss of the plans we'd made which will not happen and of what the friendship used to be but honestly will probably never be again, angry at myself for not cutting it off when I knew I should have. Next time, I won't postpone the inevitable (this always felt somewhat inevitable), even to "spare" someone's feelings or reassure them that I'm not bailing on the friendship.
I'm jobless, I've largely withdrawn from the organization into which I've poured a lot of my energy over the past two years, and I don't know what to do next. I'm directionless. I don't want to stay here. But I don't want to go back to Idaho or Washington, either. I don't know where to go. I can't run away, and in a way, I don't even want to run away. Staying with the one or two friends who have been a stable presence in my life here feels like the only thing I have to hold on to right now. I don't know if I want to go to school. I think I do, but I don't know what program still. Will that ever change? I feel like I don't know anything at all anymore.
I'm lonely. I don't know if I'll ever be loved the way I want to be loved by the person I want to love me. And I don't know if I'll ever love someone the way they deserve to be loved. Will it ever be a true two-way street? I know there's happiness without such a relationship, but this is one of those rare moments when I feel utterly sad and alone because the prospects look so bleak in that regard. All I can do is focus on loving the way I would want to be loved, treating others the way I would like to be treated, though that's not comforting here and now. I don't know if my match even exists at my age. I don't know if I'm capable of a "real" relationship, but I deeply want that kind of intimacy and companionship. I'm not interested in playing around. While everyone else seemingly goes off in search of the fun and exciting world of sex and passing romance, I want more. I'm ready for more. At least I feel ready. I'm just not sure what kind I want...or from whom. I do believe close friendships are enough to get me through and support me and help me grow, but I just can't believe anything is so fulfilling, rich, and progress-inducing as a marriage relationship (i.e. committed, monogamous, lifetime relationship).
Those with whom I identified most fully in matters of faith and ways of dealing with conflicting desires and beliefs have mostly changed or shifted their song and gone one way or another, leaving me alone, again, in the middle ground where nobody stays for long. I'm too prudish for many. I'm too liberal for many others. I think I confuse people with my seemingly paradoxical, dichotomous nature, but that's OK 'cause they confuse me, too. It's lonely where I am, and I'm beginning to think it's time to test the extremes a little more, but that doesn't feel like "me", so I probably won't.
I feel like I am nobody's favorite. Not the way I want to be. Not those whose favorite I want to be. But then, is there anyone who is confident they're my favorite? I mean, we all take turns being each other's "favorite", and part of quality relationships is being able to drop everything for someone who's an important part of your life even if they're not your most exciting current relationship. And I hear myself saying "I'm nobody's favorite", and I know that's not entirely true, and it's whiny crap. But it's how I feel. Feelings aren't always rational. Damn them.
I feel alone in many principles. I feel like the only people who share certain principles have conviction I no longer feel or life situations that make it "easy" to hold onto those principles, and those who feel as doubtful as I am about certain matters of "faith" have set aside the principles I, for some reason, hold on to. I feel like nobody my age who is single still values sexual restraint. They all experience what I want to do but won't, and they seem to adopt a reckless arrogance about it. Many of those who are as restrained as I am seem a bit emotionally constipated. Are there others? Maybe it really is time to find different circles of friends, but that's not exactly helping my feelings of loneliness right now either.
So here I am, bereft of a friendship that I valued but which turned sour, trying not to give up on it entirely, devoid of most social productivity in the academic or industrial sense, watching everyone around me enter into new romantic relationships, advance in their careers, raise children...and I'm feeling like a useless mess of a human being. There's not much anyone can do, I don't think, to console me. But not having someone to "go home to" and cry on is really hard on me anyway.
Hm, I'm realizing that I feel this way briefly after just about every "breakup". Maybe I'm letting the relationship "failure" affect my entire self image. But I have to say, it's really hard this time because of my recent unemployment, lesser involvement with the nonprofit, the need to move because I can't keep paying rent...it's all compounding in a really big, ugly disaster.
The intensity will pass, and friends will become available again and will be there for me. I know that. I will probably call my mom when I'm done writing this so she doesn't freak out when she reads it. *wink* Sometimes, I think it's valuable to record these thoughts while they're raw to use as a catalyst when I have my energy back and feel like I can do something to avoid ending up in this situation again. Perhaps it seems odd or inappropriate to some of you that I'm posting something so personal publicly, and perhaps in my effort to be more open and "authentic", I go overboard sometimes, but sometimes, I think there's value in revealing one's pain and failure and not hiding the fact that we all have really, really crappy days sometimes. Maybe I'm just so tired of other people putting on happy faces to hide their pain that I'm overcompensating by broadcasting mine. Or maybe I'm just being silly. That's entirely possible, too.
Alright, I now have plans to get me out of the house and distracted with some non-drama friends, and I'm going to call Mom on the way downtown so she knows not to overreact and have me committed for a suicide watch. I feel more in control, more calm again...hopefully it lasts.
I have close friends who I think would drop everything to be there in my time of real need, yet they all have important things going on this weekend, and I don't want to complicate their lives with my little super-depression. I know it's a matter of bad timing and geographical distance, but I just want to be comforted but don't know who can possibly comfort me tonight.
The person who has been one of my main go-to people and in whom I was really emotionally invested is now someone I can't be around due to complications in our friendship. The trigger for my emotional collapse tonight is that I just called for an indefinite "break" for my own sanity and the good of the friendship, if it's to continue. As I drove away, I felt a brief moment of confidence and strength that I would be better off for this, followed by a meltdown upon the renewed sense that it felt like "goodbye", not "I'll see you later". I'm mildly relieved to be distanced from the stresses of the friendship but mourning the loss of the plans we'd made which will not happen and of what the friendship used to be but honestly will probably never be again, angry at myself for not cutting it off when I knew I should have. Next time, I won't postpone the inevitable (this always felt somewhat inevitable), even to "spare" someone's feelings or reassure them that I'm not bailing on the friendship.
I'm jobless, I've largely withdrawn from the organization into which I've poured a lot of my energy over the past two years, and I don't know what to do next. I'm directionless. I don't want to stay here. But I don't want to go back to Idaho or Washington, either. I don't know where to go. I can't run away, and in a way, I don't even want to run away. Staying with the one or two friends who have been a stable presence in my life here feels like the only thing I have to hold on to right now. I don't know if I want to go to school. I think I do, but I don't know what program still. Will that ever change? I feel like I don't know anything at all anymore.
I'm lonely. I don't know if I'll ever be loved the way I want to be loved by the person I want to love me. And I don't know if I'll ever love someone the way they deserve to be loved. Will it ever be a true two-way street? I know there's happiness without such a relationship, but this is one of those rare moments when I feel utterly sad and alone because the prospects look so bleak in that regard. All I can do is focus on loving the way I would want to be loved, treating others the way I would like to be treated, though that's not comforting here and now. I don't know if my match even exists at my age. I don't know if I'm capable of a "real" relationship, but I deeply want that kind of intimacy and companionship. I'm not interested in playing around. While everyone else seemingly goes off in search of the fun and exciting world of sex and passing romance, I want more. I'm ready for more. At least I feel ready. I'm just not sure what kind I want...or from whom. I do believe close friendships are enough to get me through and support me and help me grow, but I just can't believe anything is so fulfilling, rich, and progress-inducing as a marriage relationship (i.e. committed, monogamous, lifetime relationship).
Those with whom I identified most fully in matters of faith and ways of dealing with conflicting desires and beliefs have mostly changed or shifted their song and gone one way or another, leaving me alone, again, in the middle ground where nobody stays for long. I'm too prudish for many. I'm too liberal for many others. I think I confuse people with my seemingly paradoxical, dichotomous nature, but that's OK 'cause they confuse me, too. It's lonely where I am, and I'm beginning to think it's time to test the extremes a little more, but that doesn't feel like "me", so I probably won't.
I feel like I am nobody's favorite. Not the way I want to be. Not those whose favorite I want to be. But then, is there anyone who is confident they're my favorite? I mean, we all take turns being each other's "favorite", and part of quality relationships is being able to drop everything for someone who's an important part of your life even if they're not your most exciting current relationship. And I hear myself saying "I'm nobody's favorite", and I know that's not entirely true, and it's whiny crap. But it's how I feel. Feelings aren't always rational. Damn them.
I feel alone in many principles. I feel like the only people who share certain principles have conviction I no longer feel or life situations that make it "easy" to hold onto those principles, and those who feel as doubtful as I am about certain matters of "faith" have set aside the principles I, for some reason, hold on to. I feel like nobody my age who is single still values sexual restraint. They all experience what I want to do but won't, and they seem to adopt a reckless arrogance about it. Many of those who are as restrained as I am seem a bit emotionally constipated. Are there others? Maybe it really is time to find different circles of friends, but that's not exactly helping my feelings of loneliness right now either.
So here I am, bereft of a friendship that I valued but which turned sour, trying not to give up on it entirely, devoid of most social productivity in the academic or industrial sense, watching everyone around me enter into new romantic relationships, advance in their careers, raise children...and I'm feeling like a useless mess of a human being. There's not much anyone can do, I don't think, to console me. But not having someone to "go home to" and cry on is really hard on me anyway.
Hm, I'm realizing that I feel this way briefly after just about every "breakup". Maybe I'm letting the relationship "failure" affect my entire self image. But I have to say, it's really hard this time because of my recent unemployment, lesser involvement with the nonprofit, the need to move because I can't keep paying rent...it's all compounding in a really big, ugly disaster.
The intensity will pass, and friends will become available again and will be there for me. I know that. I will probably call my mom when I'm done writing this so she doesn't freak out when she reads it. *wink* Sometimes, I think it's valuable to record these thoughts while they're raw to use as a catalyst when I have my energy back and feel like I can do something to avoid ending up in this situation again. Perhaps it seems odd or inappropriate to some of you that I'm posting something so personal publicly, and perhaps in my effort to be more open and "authentic", I go overboard sometimes, but sometimes, I think there's value in revealing one's pain and failure and not hiding the fact that we all have really, really crappy days sometimes. Maybe I'm just so tired of other people putting on happy faces to hide their pain that I'm overcompensating by broadcasting mine. Or maybe I'm just being silly. That's entirely possible, too.
Alright, I now have plans to get me out of the house and distracted with some non-drama friends, and I'm going to call Mom on the way downtown so she knows not to overreact and have me committed for a suicide watch. I feel more in control, more calm again...hopefully it lasts.
All Good Things
Gotta love the Weepies. Didn't really expect to identify with these lyrics so much when this song randomly came on my media player tonight. I wish I didn't...but I do:
Not sure where to go
Everybody I know says I'm too forgiving
And now that I'm gone, I don't want to move on
I just keep reliving
All good things, oh I wish you
All good things come to an end
All good things, oh I wish you well
Lost inside of my head, empty side of the bed
I fill this place without you
I keep pushing the bruise
'Cause I don't want to lose what I loved about you
All good things, oh I wish you
All good things come to an end
All good things, oh I wish you well
I could think of a million ways
You proved you weren't the one
So live inside of your shades of gray
And never mind the sunshine that I'll find
I've got so much space now
I got a whole house with the wind blowing through
I don't need somewhere to hide
I've got this whole world inside
I was accustomed to showing you...
All good things, oh I wish you
All good things come to an end
All good things, oh I wish you well
Not sure where to go
Everybody I know says I'm too forgiving
And now that I'm gone, I don't want to move on
I just keep reliving
All good things, oh I wish you
All good things come to an end
All good things, oh I wish you well
Lost inside of my head, empty side of the bed
I fill this place without you
I keep pushing the bruise
'Cause I don't want to lose what I loved about you
All good things, oh I wish you
All good things come to an end
All good things, oh I wish you well
I could think of a million ways
You proved you weren't the one
So live inside of your shades of gray
And never mind the sunshine that I'll find
I've got so much space now
I got a whole house with the wind blowing through
I don't need somewhere to hide
I've got this whole world inside
I was accustomed to showing you...
All good things, oh I wish you
All good things come to an end
All good things, oh I wish you well
13 February 2009
Prudent or Prudish
I found myself in the gym tonight, thinking about recent conversations and wondering if I am actually as remarkably, unusually prudish as I must come across to certain circles of friends. Am I foolishly "idealistic" when it comes to sexual expression? Am I, even in my deeply doubting times, just so thoroughly ingrained with LDS doctrine and culture that I am a slave to my programming? Or is so much of the world actually childish and self-centered in sexual expression, a bunch of dogs humping every willing leg? Is there anyone who is not a total buttoned-up prude but still just feels an inherent "specialness" about sexual intimacy beyond your basic making out, independent of doctrinal prohibitions, as something you don't go around experiencing with every attractive, willing participant you feel a connection with, commitment be damned?
I have certainly felt a desire to cross boundaries that I never expected to be so tempted to cross, and I'm not perfect at all at staying away from my own boundaries. I'm not a complete stranger to physical expression of an affectionate, romantic, or even sexual nature. I'm not afraid of sexuality. I rather hope to experience it fully in the future and expect it will be fun and exciting as well as intimate and bonding (Awkward? Nah!).
But is it really so odd to want to reserve the ultimate in physical intimacy for a real, committed, long-term relationship like, perhaps, marriage? Is it weird for me to think the level of physical intimacy should not exceed the emotional intimacy and level of commitment? Is it terribly priggish to feel a sense of degradation when I hear people talk about sexual climax by various methods as a sort of sport to be played with the hottest, most talented players one can find? Is it foolish to believe that if I am going to bare my whole body to someone in the most intimate way I can think of, it should be someone I feel comfortable baring my whole soul to as well? Is it naively idealistic to want to be able, at least, to honestly and freely say "I love you" while "making love", even if in a fun and passionate way (I'm not totally naive--I think sex would still be recreational in a committed relationship)?
Is this kind of attitude unique to ultraconservative, Judeo-Christian culture? Am I unenlightened? Will I work through this to realize that sexual expression is not fundamentally different from any other forms of intimacy? Will I one day see, as others seem to, that sexual intercourse or other sexual acts as recreation or connection with attractive acquaintances outside of committed relationships is not only natural but an essential experience of humanity, done responsibly? Will my eyes open to the fact that if you can share your deep feelings or fears with someone, you should feel free to share your fluids with them too, long-term relationship or not? Am I just too archaic to appreciate the enlightened and soul-expanding beauty of polyamory? Just as your capacity to love expands with each new child, why need it be different in romantic and/or sexual relationships with multiple partners? Am I just part of the small-minded minority clinging to my strict monogamy security blanket?
Is there no "right and wrong" to sexual expression? Does it just come down to finding someone who regards it the same way I do? Can I find such a person at my age? Should I learn to see sex and sexuality in the same casual, recreational light so many others seem to see it in? Or am I pretty sure I don't care to change the way I see it? Do I, deep down, really believe in my sexual principles? If so, am I in the wrong circles of friends to find others who regard sexuality the way I do and who will truly respect and support my beliefs? Do such people exist outside of tediously boring Utah Mormon culture? Or am I prepared to be continually scoffed at by friends who believe me to be ridiculously inexperienced and naive? Or are my perceptions of sexuality just romanticized, and if I just jump in and have some fun, will I discover that sex needn't be inextricably connected with emotional bonding? Maybe it just takes doing it to find out that it's really no big deal and needn't be "special" but is OK to just be fun? But then, am I capable of that? And if I have sex or something like it in a non-committed, recreational way, am I not just making it non-special by the way I'm going about it? Do I even want to bring my views on sexuality down to a casual level just to feel less weird among most social circles?
I realize that as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I'm "supposed to" think of it in simple terms: God said sex outside of marriage is wrong. If I extend that to apply statements by general authorities of the church, that means sexually arousing, passionate physical interaction is to be reserved for the bonds of matrimony. Outside of marriage, the limit is expressions of affection and appreciation without acting on "lust". I realize that's the "safest" guideline to avoid unexpected pregnancy or ending up needing to "repent" of fornication, but it just doesn't "feel" that simple.
Can it be that this really amounts to jealousy that I'm just not in on the action? That I'm holding back because of my puritanical views and to maintain credibility in a conservative culture? Am I upset about this not because I'm in a position which merits righteous indignation but because I know that I've been passing up opportunities to experience the highs and intimacy of sexual expression the way I wanted to? Am I feeling stupid because the people I've wanted to be that intimate with have gone and found others to experiment and play with in the ways I wouldn't, and I was left feeling like a pitiable fool who is just the victim of his own inhibitions? Would my view on the sluttiness of certain activities change if I just let go and engaged in a little myself? Why not try it out and go with the moment next time? Why should I stop myself the next time I want to *gasp* get naked with someone? As long as we don't risk making a baby, what's the big deal, right? Because I can tell you, there have been moments when I've wanted to act on sexual feelings but held back not because it seemed wrong in the moment (does it ever?) but because I had told myself I would only cross certain boundaries if I'd decided to in advance, in emotional/intellectual sobriety. Gosh, maybe I am nothing but a prude.
I was struggling with all of this when my random shuffle playlist on my MP3 player came to a handful of songs which brought me a glimmer of hope for depth of relationships and confidence that maybe I'm not completely alone in these questions. The one that most stood out to me was Part of My Life by India Arie. I'd heard this song before and never was a big fan, but tonight, the lyrics spoke to me powerfully. They didn't sound trite. They didn't sound youthfully naive. They sounded more real than most of the seductively fluffy romantic or lusty crap you hear in pop music. They sounded wise, practical, self-assured. Maybe I am a prude, but at least I'm not completely alone in my prudishness:
Can you be a part of my life?
Oh it's easy to find someone to play with
and almost anyone will do to fill your idle time
but that very special someone
you can share all your dreams with is so hard to find
And it used to be like me to settle for the physical
but these days it ain't too easy to make up my mind
cause apparently your body's just too temporary
to take up my precious time
See I've got to know that
that I can be free with you and
you've got to show that
that you're worthy of my time
can you stimulate my mind?
And I know that it looks good,
but can you be a part of my life
and I'm sure that it feels good
but can you be a part of my life
and it probably even tastes good
but can you be a part of my life
I've got to know
I still appreciate the beauty of a man
but there's more to what I need now than what meets the eye
and if beauty's only skin deep
then your pretty skin won't send me to my highest high
oh it's been a long time coming for maturity
and I believe that it's truly what it has to be
cause as much as I admire you
my sexual desire ain't controlling me
See I've got to know that
that I can be free with you and
you've got to show that
that you're worthy of my time
can you stimulate my mind?
And I know that it looks good,
but can you be a part of my life
and I'm sure that it feels good
but can you be a part of my life
and it probably even tastes good
but can you be a part of my life
I've got to know
I have certainly felt a desire to cross boundaries that I never expected to be so tempted to cross, and I'm not perfect at all at staying away from my own boundaries. I'm not a complete stranger to physical expression of an affectionate, romantic, or even sexual nature. I'm not afraid of sexuality. I rather hope to experience it fully in the future and expect it will be fun and exciting as well as intimate and bonding (Awkward? Nah!).
But is it really so odd to want to reserve the ultimate in physical intimacy for a real, committed, long-term relationship like, perhaps, marriage? Is it weird for me to think the level of physical intimacy should not exceed the emotional intimacy and level of commitment? Is it terribly priggish to feel a sense of degradation when I hear people talk about sexual climax by various methods as a sort of sport to be played with the hottest, most talented players one can find? Is it foolish to believe that if I am going to bare my whole body to someone in the most intimate way I can think of, it should be someone I feel comfortable baring my whole soul to as well? Is it naively idealistic to want to be able, at least, to honestly and freely say "I love you" while "making love", even if in a fun and passionate way (I'm not totally naive--I think sex would still be recreational in a committed relationship)?
Is this kind of attitude unique to ultraconservative, Judeo-Christian culture? Am I unenlightened? Will I work through this to realize that sexual expression is not fundamentally different from any other forms of intimacy? Will I one day see, as others seem to, that sexual intercourse or other sexual acts as recreation or connection with attractive acquaintances outside of committed relationships is not only natural but an essential experience of humanity, done responsibly? Will my eyes open to the fact that if you can share your deep feelings or fears with someone, you should feel free to share your fluids with them too, long-term relationship or not? Am I just too archaic to appreciate the enlightened and soul-expanding beauty of polyamory? Just as your capacity to love expands with each new child, why need it be different in romantic and/or sexual relationships with multiple partners? Am I just part of the small-minded minority clinging to my strict monogamy security blanket?
Is there no "right and wrong" to sexual expression? Does it just come down to finding someone who regards it the same way I do? Can I find such a person at my age? Should I learn to see sex and sexuality in the same casual, recreational light so many others seem to see it in? Or am I pretty sure I don't care to change the way I see it? Do I, deep down, really believe in my sexual principles? If so, am I in the wrong circles of friends to find others who regard sexuality the way I do and who will truly respect and support my beliefs? Do such people exist outside of tediously boring Utah Mormon culture? Or am I prepared to be continually scoffed at by friends who believe me to be ridiculously inexperienced and naive? Or are my perceptions of sexuality just romanticized, and if I just jump in and have some fun, will I discover that sex needn't be inextricably connected with emotional bonding? Maybe it just takes doing it to find out that it's really no big deal and needn't be "special" but is OK to just be fun? But then, am I capable of that? And if I have sex or something like it in a non-committed, recreational way, am I not just making it non-special by the way I'm going about it? Do I even want to bring my views on sexuality down to a casual level just to feel less weird among most social circles?
I realize that as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I'm "supposed to" think of it in simple terms: God said sex outside of marriage is wrong. If I extend that to apply statements by general authorities of the church, that means sexually arousing, passionate physical interaction is to be reserved for the bonds of matrimony. Outside of marriage, the limit is expressions of affection and appreciation without acting on "lust". I realize that's the "safest" guideline to avoid unexpected pregnancy or ending up needing to "repent" of fornication, but it just doesn't "feel" that simple.
Can it be that this really amounts to jealousy that I'm just not in on the action? That I'm holding back because of my puritanical views and to maintain credibility in a conservative culture? Am I upset about this not because I'm in a position which merits righteous indignation but because I know that I've been passing up opportunities to experience the highs and intimacy of sexual expression the way I wanted to? Am I feeling stupid because the people I've wanted to be that intimate with have gone and found others to experiment and play with in the ways I wouldn't, and I was left feeling like a pitiable fool who is just the victim of his own inhibitions? Would my view on the sluttiness of certain activities change if I just let go and engaged in a little myself? Why not try it out and go with the moment next time? Why should I stop myself the next time I want to *gasp* get naked with someone? As long as we don't risk making a baby, what's the big deal, right? Because I can tell you, there have been moments when I've wanted to act on sexual feelings but held back not because it seemed wrong in the moment (does it ever?) but because I had told myself I would only cross certain boundaries if I'd decided to in advance, in emotional/intellectual sobriety. Gosh, maybe I am nothing but a prude.
I was struggling with all of this when my random shuffle playlist on my MP3 player came to a handful of songs which brought me a glimmer of hope for depth of relationships and confidence that maybe I'm not completely alone in these questions. The one that most stood out to me was Part of My Life by India Arie. I'd heard this song before and never was a big fan, but tonight, the lyrics spoke to me powerfully. They didn't sound trite. They didn't sound youthfully naive. They sounded more real than most of the seductively fluffy romantic or lusty crap you hear in pop music. They sounded wise, practical, self-assured. Maybe I am a prude, but at least I'm not completely alone in my prudishness:
Can you be a part of my life?
Oh it's easy to find someone to play with
and almost anyone will do to fill your idle time
but that very special someone
you can share all your dreams with is so hard to find
And it used to be like me to settle for the physical
but these days it ain't too easy to make up my mind
cause apparently your body's just too temporary
to take up my precious time
See I've got to know that
that I can be free with you and
you've got to show that
that you're worthy of my time
can you stimulate my mind?
And I know that it looks good,
but can you be a part of my life
and I'm sure that it feels good
but can you be a part of my life
and it probably even tastes good
but can you be a part of my life
I've got to know
I still appreciate the beauty of a man
but there's more to what I need now than what meets the eye
and if beauty's only skin deep
then your pretty skin won't send me to my highest high
oh it's been a long time coming for maturity
and I believe that it's truly what it has to be
cause as much as I admire you
my sexual desire ain't controlling me
See I've got to know that
that I can be free with you and
you've got to show that
that you're worthy of my time
can you stimulate my mind?
And I know that it looks good,
but can you be a part of my life
and I'm sure that it feels good
but can you be a part of my life
and it probably even tastes good
but can you be a part of my life
I've got to know
09 February 2009
Kid Tripping After the Dentist
This is great! I hated the gas the one time I got it, and this is why! But it sure makes for an entertaining video.
Kristen Wiig as Bjork
The end is my favorite. Beautiful.
For the reference of those of you not-so-familiar with Bjork, here's a sample of one of her earlier popular songs and its accompanying nightmare-inducing music video (turn away, Jason, turn away):
And a more recent video that I find really intriguing (um...maybe not exactly family appropriate, considering the two robots' interaction):
She gets some stuff really right (I actually really like some of her stuff), and most of the time, I wonder what the @#$% she's on (even when I like her work). Often, I just end up shaking my head, shrugging, and moving on to something less...odd. Maybe I'm not "artistic" enough to appreciate it. I'm OK with that. Meanwhile, Kristen Wiig still makes me smile lots.
For the reference of those of you not-so-familiar with Bjork, here's a sample of one of her earlier popular songs and its accompanying nightmare-inducing music video (turn away, Jason, turn away):
And a more recent video that I find really intriguing (um...maybe not exactly family appropriate, considering the two robots' interaction):
She gets some stuff really right (I actually really like some of her stuff), and most of the time, I wonder what the @#$% she's on (even when I like her work). Often, I just end up shaking my head, shrugging, and moving on to something less...odd. Maybe I'm not "artistic" enough to appreciate it. I'm OK with that. Meanwhile, Kristen Wiig still makes me smile lots.
02 February 2009
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