I'm thinking I'm really patient with people in many ways but really slow to truly forgive and let go. When I lose trust in someone, I can't seem to get over it. I can interact with them. We may hang out casually in groups. I may wish I felt the affection for them I used to feel. I may respect many things about them. I may still feel fondly for the person I knew and loved before things went south. But I've never gone back to feeling "close" with such a person, able to fully trust them again.
I tend to think trustworthiness is a matter of character. A person may be sincere, goodhearted, intelligent, and even generally kind, but if I can't trust them, I can't feel close to them, and if I decide I trusted someone too much too fast, I struggle to backpedal to a more casual friendship and often am more comfortable walking away entirely. The trouble is that I then feel unforgiving and even petty because I have other friends I know would probably betray trust if I gave it to them, but I am still able to have casual and fun interaction with them, maybe because I've never given them the trust I've given others. I wonder if my attitudes and decisions are defense mechanisms against risking getting hurt or if they're a wise practice of "fool me once, shame on you: fool me twice, shame on me."
I have a couple of friends who were, at one point, somewhat "more than friends", and I got burned in different ways. We both made bad calls, but I was the one who ended up hurt. In other cases, we were just friends, and this or that happened, and I lost respect for them in some way, they did something deceptive or cruel (whether to me or to someone else), or in some cases, they just turned out to be more "human" than I wanted to believe (which of course is more about my perceptions and judgment than anything). When I see them, I wish I felt affection for them still. I wish I could embrace them again with the warmth I once felt. I wish changed circumstances and water under the bridge allowed for me to see them in as I once did, or at least without the baggage, focusing on the positive. I wish time and distance erased the bitter taste in my mouth. I wish I could trust the lingering desire to embrace all the good I saw in them and let go of the traits and behaviors which affected me so much. And yet, another part of me thinks it would be completely foolish to pretend things were the same. They can't be. What happened happened and can't be erased. So the trick is moving forward with the changes.
To some extent, time does heal. For me, we're talking at least a year in many cases. But even when I no longer have a visceral or emotional reaction to seeing or interacting with someone, the warmth is banished. I remember the things I love about them, and I remember the affection I used to feel, but I won't allow myself to be vulnerable to them again, and I therefore feel detached, somewhat cold towards people I thought, in some cases, would be lifelong friends.
With some of these, most of them, I want badly to love them again as friends and good people, I want to tell them I would like to trust them again but don't know how, I want to explain that I don't hate or dislike them but don't know what to do with them anymore, where to fit them in my life, how to get over my detachment, or whether I even should. I want to talk it through with them, but in most cases, the time for that kind of talking has past.
In some cases, I walk away and don't look back. I don't need to. I'm finished, and the friendship's usefulness and meaning is in the past. Sure, we can keep in touch here and there in a civil way, but I don't need or want more. In other cases, they probably don't know how fondly I felt for them, how much I appreciated them, or what potential I saw in them. In some cases, they don't know how much respect I've lost for them, or why I can see they're sincere now but can't forget that they seemed sincere before, too.
I think the reason it's hard for me is that I did love them, probably still do, maybe always will, but don't feel "safe" entrusting them with much anymore. And I won't play the cavalier, chummy games so many seem to play once that is the case.
But I'm trying to work through this and recognize where it's my own perceptions getting in the way. I'm trying to remember friendships where I have betrayed trust in some way, or where I've unintentionally sent mixed signals, or where I've withheld part of myself out of fear or insecurity, or entertained someone's feelings for me unintentionally without returning those feelings. In the process of maturing--a process I'm obviously still working through--I've made mistakes, and forgiving friends have stuck by me, and we've built meaningful relationships. I wonder if I haven't done the same in forgiving and bearing with some. I fear if everyone responded to my foibles the way I've responded to those of others, I might have no friends left. So I'm trying to learn to let go, to move on. I think it's unnecessary and foolish to give the remote control of my emotions back to those who have used it poorly, but I'm looking for a way to move forward more quickly in forgiving and in wisely choosing which friendships are worth holding on to and which are best left in the past, and learning to move on without bitterness, without wishing it had been different.
Maybe these are universal concerns, or maybe I'm unusually distrustful or sensitive in certain ways. But something tells me I have a thing or two to learn in this arena. Does anyone have a handbook to refer me to? :-)
3 comments:
Your reactions are normal, common, and appropriate, at least from my personal experiences. Once someone betrays my trust, I can forgive and even be friendly and cordial, but never fully trust again, and what we seemed to once have had becomes an illusion.
In response to my inquiry about the commandment to forgive, a bishop I respect once told me we're required to forgive, but we aren't required to make ourselves vulnerable to that person again. Mutual trust, honesty and commitment (for better or for worse) are the most important things in a relationship. Without even one of them, the bond is weak and love wanes. With them, love deepens in the most meaningful of ways.
I think its normal and sometime healthy to put distance between yourself and someone who has broken your trust. But honestly, it would appear to me it is a case by case basis. Just be sure (as I am sure you do) not to apply a general rule to all, but feel out each relationship, or lack of, and judge each one according to what you find.
Quinn and Lee, agreed. And as I said, there are rare cases where it's clear someone has betrayed trust or proves to be duplicitous, and I generally have little trouble walking away from those emotionally even while maintaining a civil acquaintance.
But I also tend to pretty carefully choose those to whom I become close, and more often, it's not so clear-cut a case, and while there are still clearly abuses, manipulation, or mistreatment, sometimes it has more to do with immaturity and unfamiliar dynamics than with anyone being obviously malicious or deliberately hurtful. In those cases, I sometimes wonder if I'm too demanding of others or punish them for being what they've always been but I refused to see it, in which case I have myself to blame as much as them.
I'm normally not very troubled by these things...I just sometimes miss what I "had" with someone or the way I used to see them as others do before I got close enough to see beyond certain facades or we just weren't compatible, and I wish we could go back to simpler times. But we often can't, and that's OK. Maybe it's the test of the truest friendships, which ones are worth the trouble and investment to weather disillusionment and difficulty. Or maybe I have some defensive trust issues to get over, and I am missing the big picture because I'm too caught up in my hurt and inability to trust as I wanted/hoped to. Or maybe it's just the way the cookie crumbles. :-)
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