I'm not often smitten. I may notice hotties, I may feel flirty, and I may admire people, but I'm rarely "into" someone enough to feel that dancing, all-is-well feeling, feel totally at ease doing anything, comfortable talking about anything or enjoying silence together. It's not often I'm wholly attracted to someone who seems a possibly great complement to myself with the most important things in common. Someone who makes me want to step carefully so as to not mess up my chances of developing a healthy relationship with them to see what might be there beyond giddy feelings and the hope that they're every bit as great as they seem to be. Someone to whom I'm very much attracted and with whom I'd like to be closer. Someone with whom I'd be more physically expressive but also want to pace physical affection to develop a quality relationship. Someone I think about all day after a great day together. Someone who has similar values to mine and whose opinions, desires, and principles I respect and learn from. Someone who communicates openly without all the games so many people play. Someone who not only makes me smile to myself just thinking about them and excited about getting to know each other but who reminds me what it's like to feel like there's very possibly someone out there for me with whom I'd be a natural fit in the most important ways.
Feeling that way for someone is refreshing. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel that way again, at my ripe old age. And then I do, and I find they feel the same way, even if it seems a bit premature for us to be so interested. And it confirms that I'm not completely jaded, that I'm not too skeptical to hope with an almost childlike brightness. With lessons learned, I know not to place excessive stock in those feelings, but I love it when they return. I love it when someone enters my life who brings that out of me while renewing my hope in quality, romantic prospects for my unusual self. I love getting to know each other and starting to bring out the best in each other. The idea of pursuing that, with a clearly mutual attraction to boot, to see what we can make of it is both scary and joyful.
But it's mostly an idea so far. When such a person is again not an "option", it's hard to put all those feelings back on the shelf after having dusted them off cautiously, reluctantly eager to have them back. Life circumstances, social pressures, differences in maturity, geographic distance, or other issues make it clear that, though we might potentially be really right for each other and fit beautifully together, there may or may not ever be a place and time to find out, but what's decided is that the place and time is not here or now. I've been quite content with my life lately, so even after this rekindling of romantic feelings, I can accept letting go of it again for now, not that it's been especially easy or without tears and heartache. I just try to take the disappointment and heartache of quelling the attraction and turn it into hope that if I found one such person, maybe one of these days, when the time is right, the stars will align.
Until then, to the one who smote me so suddenly and unexpectedly, it's been beautiful feeling for you the way I have, and feeling your interest in me, however briefly, and I hope to find it again, whether with you when we're both ready or with someone else with whom circumstances allow it to be explored, and I wish the same for you. Thanks for the spark of light, for hope, for the connection, for being wise and mature enough to recognize now wasn't the time, for the start of a potentially great friendship when/if the more intense attraction wanes, for being you and coming into my life.
7 comments:
As wonderful as the feeling is, sometimes I wish I didnt feel it until it was the person I was gonna be with forever. Only because its so hard not to have that person feel the same way back.
I suppose its the age old question: Is it better to love and lose someone then to never have loved at all.
Beautifully written and so true. I totally agree with Quinn, too. I gave everything I had to someone who just didn't (wouldn't? couldn't) care. Am I going to do it again? I guess I'll have to wait and see.
To be honest, in most of my cases, the problem wasn't necessarily mutual interest but a mutual realization that, because of whatever factors, it was best not to pursue something at the time, even though we definitely would were it not for those factors, or timing.
Like I said, I don't feel that "magic" often, especially not with someone I suspect, based on the short time we've known each other, would be so good for me, so I just had to vent a bit. :-)
I appreciate your thoughts. Good question, Quinn. I've wondered that, myself. Sometimes, I wish I were still ignorant of how it felt. Maaike, I love your "wait and see" comment. You'd probably like to say no, but maybe it's worth the risk if it works just once... :-)
Love how you've written this, and I identify with it so much right now. But the real question is: can't we at least get initials (or AN initial) of the person you're writing about?!
I was always one of those who would feel decimated by the end of that feeling for whatever reason...but always chose to love again. And I would tell myself, I love again because it's who I am and to become guarded because of past pains changes the essence of my personality and I refuse(d) to do it because I didn't want to lose me.
Amy, your question made me laugh. No, no initials, for the privacy of the smiter. :-)
Dani, I appreciate that, and it resonates with how I view it, too. Thanks.
Wow, I must say, I just love the maturity of your observations in spite of the heartache you feel. I don't consider myself nearly so wise, but I do believe you have hit the mark on the meaning of these experiences. They're really only glimpses, shadows of the fullness of joy you will someday experience. Trust me on this. :)
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