It wasn't a sad thing, like feeling I've lost myself or my dreams have all died, just a reminder of what that felt like and a question of "what ifs": what if I had dedicated myself to one skill? Would I have excelled? Was I afraid I wouldn't? Would I have become as rounded as I am, however much that may be? As I listened to swelling, inspirational, evocative music composed by people who were, at their time, younger than I am now, I thought of the freedom of letting go and allowing passion or creativity to flow and lead where it may. And it was refreshing and hopeful. I felt a spark of inspiration and a sort of animation I hadn't felt for a while.
During the intermission, I wanted to go out into the cool night air, and while wandering temple square, I picked up one of the little, under-ripe apples that had fallen from a tree by the Assembly Hall, brushed the dirt off of it, and nibbled its bitter-sour flesh while gently kicking the other fallen apples out of the walkway. I felt a bit like a kid, oblivious to the crowds around me, not caring how I might appear. Somehow, I felt like a kid again, like things were simple, if only for a short while.
When I went back inside, I wondered what someone might have thought had they had a camera on me from afar: would I look endearing? weird? juvenile? Did I care? Not really, nope. It got me thinking about times or situations in which I feel most pure and unfiltered, or 'real', simultaneously free-spirited and simply 'me'. Since that's not a typical feeling for me but one I'd like to experience more, I started mentally identifying times that bring that sort of sense of raw purity or authenticity, some deep, some not so much, some more rewarding, others mostly relaxing or silly:
- Walking alone where I don't think anybody notices me, even if there are people around (I have always generally felt like a fly on the wall).
- Playing with children, especially my nieces or nephews.
- Playing the Wii with my family, especially Mario Kart.
- Helping someone with no expectation of return or recognition.
- Cuddling someone special.
- Being in love or something close to it.
- Playing the piano without an audience.
- Watching and listening to an electrical storm.
- Being at the beach, whether letting my mind drift to the sounds and sights of the ocean or enthusiastically exploring the tidal pools.
- Petting a cat.
- Doing logic puzzles.
- Creating something, usually written or photographic, sometimes tangible.
- Reading in a dimly lit, quiet room.
- Decorating the house for the holidays.
- Experiencing an adrenaline rush.
- Sitting silently in the warm glow of a crackling fire.
- Going for a walk on a crisp evening, either alone or with a close friend.
I'm sure there are several others, but these are the ones that most readily came to mind. Obviously, some of these are more "rewarding" than others, and some shouldn't be forced or imitated, but they all bring out aspects of me I like being brought out. I want more moments in my life like last night's symphony and bitter-apple-biting: simple, care-free, emotionally unfettered moments. I want them without reckless abandon or disregard for true responsibilities or the feelings of others, and I have to believe that's possible. I'm sure it is. So I guess what I'm saying is...I want a cat. ...For starters. *wink*
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