Prudent or Prudish

I found myself in the gym tonight, thinking about recent conversations and wondering if I am actually as remarkably, unusually prudish as I must come across to certain circles of friends. Am I foolishly "idealistic" when it comes to sexual expression? Am I, even in my deeply doubting times, just so thoroughly ingrained with LDS doctrine and culture that I am a slave to my programming? Or is so much of the world actually childish and self-centered in sexual expression, a bunch of dogs humping every willing leg? Is there anyone who is not a total buttoned-up prude but still just feels an inherent "specialness" about sexual intimacy beyond your basic making out, independent of doctrinal prohibitions, as something you don't go around experiencing with every attractive, willing participant you feel a connection with, commitment be damned?

I have certainly felt a desire to cross boundaries that I never expected to be so tempted to cross, and I'm not perfect at all at staying away from my own boundaries. I'm not a complete stranger to physical expression of an affectionate, romantic, or even sexual nature. I'm not afraid of sexuality. I rather hope to experience it fully in the future and expect it will be fun and exciting as well as intimate and bonding (Awkward? Nah!).

But is it really so odd to want to reserve the ultimate in physical intimacy for a real, committed, long-term relationship like, perhaps, marriage? Is it weird for me to think the level of physical intimacy should not exceed the emotional intimacy and level of commitment? Is it terribly priggish to feel a sense of degradation when I hear people talk about sexual climax by various methods as a sort of sport to be played with the hottest, most talented players one can find? Is it foolish to believe that if I am going to bare my whole body to someone in the most intimate way I can think of, it should be someone I feel comfortable baring my whole soul to as well? Is it naively idealistic to want to be able, at least, to honestly and freely say "I love you" while "making love", even if in a fun and passionate way (I'm not totally naive--I think sex would still be recreational in a committed relationship)?

Is this kind of attitude unique to ultraconservative, Judeo-Christian culture? Am I unenlightened? Will I work through this to realize that sexual expression is not fundamentally different from any other forms of intimacy? Will I one day see, as others seem to, that sexual intercourse or other sexual acts as recreation or connection with attractive acquaintances outside of committed relationships is not only natural but an essential experience of humanity, done responsibly? Will my eyes open to the fact that if you can share your deep feelings or fears with someone, you should feel free to share your fluids with them too, long-term relationship or not? Am I just too archaic to appreciate the enlightened and soul-expanding beauty of polyamory? Just as your capacity to love expands with each new child, why need it be different in romantic and/or sexual relationships with multiple partners? Am I just part of the small-minded minority clinging to my strict monogamy security blanket?

Is there no "right and wrong" to sexual expression? Does it just come down to finding someone who regards it the same way I do? Can I find such a person at my age? Should I learn to see sex and sexuality in the same casual, recreational light so many others seem to see it in? Or am I pretty sure I don't care to change the way I see it? Do I, deep down, really believe in my sexual principles? If so, am I in the wrong circles of friends to find others who regard sexuality the way I do and who will truly respect and support my beliefs? Do such people exist outside of tediously boring Utah Mormon culture? Or am I prepared to be continually scoffed at by friends who believe me to be ridiculously inexperienced and naive? Or are my perceptions of sexuality just romanticized, and if I just jump in and have some fun, will I discover that sex needn't be inextricably connected with emotional bonding? Maybe it just takes doing it to find out that it's really no big deal and needn't be "special" but is OK to just be fun? But then, am I capable of that? And if I have sex or something like it in a non-committed, recreational way, am I not just making it non-special by the way I'm going about it? Do I even want to bring my views on sexuality down to a casual level just to feel less weird among most social circles?

I realize that as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I'm "supposed to" think of it in simple terms: God said sex outside of marriage is wrong. If I extend that to apply statements by general authorities of the church, that means sexually arousing, passionate physical interaction is to be reserved for the bonds of matrimony. Outside of marriage, the limit is expressions of affection and appreciation without acting on "lust". I realize that's the "safest" guideline to avoid unexpected pregnancy or ending up needing to "repent" of fornication, but it just doesn't "feel" that simple.

Can it be that this really amounts to jealousy that I'm just not in on the action? That I'm holding back because of my puritanical views and to maintain credibility in a conservative culture? Am I upset about this not because I'm in a position which merits righteous indignation but because I know that I've been passing up opportunities to experience the highs and intimacy of sexual expression the way I wanted to? Am I feeling stupid because the people I've wanted to be that intimate with have gone and found others to experiment and play with in the ways I wouldn't, and I was left feeling like a pitiable fool who is just the victim of his own inhibitions? Would my view on the sluttiness of certain activities change if I just let go and engaged in a little myself? Why not try it out and go with the moment next time? Why should I stop myself the next time I want to *gasp* get naked with someone? As long as we don't risk making a baby, what's the big deal, right? Because I can tell you, there have been moments when I've wanted to act on sexual feelings but held back not because it seemed wrong in the moment (does it ever?) but because I had told myself I would only cross certain boundaries if I'd decided to in advance, in emotional/intellectual sobriety. Gosh, maybe I am nothing but a prude.

I was struggling with all of this when my random shuffle playlist on my MP3 player came to a handful of songs which brought me a glimmer of hope for depth of relationships and confidence that maybe I'm not completely alone in these questions. The one that most stood out to me was Part of My Life by India Arie. I'd heard this song before and never was a big fan, but tonight, the lyrics spoke to me powerfully. They didn't sound trite. They didn't sound youthfully naive. They sounded more real than most of the seductively fluffy romantic or lusty crap you hear in pop music. They sounded wise, practical, self-assured. Maybe I am a prude, but at least I'm not completely alone in my prudishness:


Can you be a part of my life?

Oh it's easy to find someone to play with
and almost anyone will do to fill your idle time
but that very special someone
you can share all your dreams with is so hard to find

And it used to be like me to settle for the physical
but these days it ain't too easy to make up my mind
cause apparently your body's just too temporary
to take up my precious time

See I've got to know that
that I can be free with you and
you've got to show that
that you're worthy of my time
can you stimulate my mind?

And I know that it looks good,
but can you be a part of my life
and I'm sure that it feels good
but can you be a part of my life
and it probably even tastes good
but can you be a part of my life
I've got to know

I still appreciate the beauty of a man
but there's more to what I need now than what meets the eye
and if beauty's only skin deep
then your pretty skin won't send me to my highest high
oh it's been a long time coming for maturity
and I believe that it's truly what it has to be
cause as much as I admire you
my sexual desire ain't controlling me

See I've got to know that
that I can be free with you and
you've got to show that
that you're worthy of my time
can you stimulate my mind?

And I know that it looks good,
but can you be a part of my life
and I'm sure that it feels good
but can you be a part of my life
and it probably even tastes good
but can you be a part of my life
I've got to know