Cradle- and Grave-Robbing

I've had a conversation with many friends in the past couple of months about the importance of age in dating, and my take has been that while age alone needn't necessarily be an automatic deal-killer, many people poo-poo age discrepancies as if they're no big deal, and I disagree completely. In short, age discrepancy is most often, in my opinion, a big deal.

Kudos to you if you're in a long-term relationship with someone fifteen years your senior that's working out great. Lovely. I don't disparage that. And I believe it can work, particularly if the younger party is unusually mature and the older party unusually immature, especially when we're talking about emotional intelligence and communication skills. Sorry, that's how I see it. I used to sing right along with the "age doesn't really matter as long as maturity matches" chorus, but my take on the matter has developed over time.

So do I worry when a thirty-year-old guy starts dating a twenty-year-old girl? Yes. I do. Especially when life experience differs widely between them. Even the most mature college freshman or sophomore still has a lot yet to experience in life and a lot of personal development in the next few years of life compared to someone who has a career, or has been in long-term relationships (or even married), or who has settled into a life with a home, etc. It's not so much the age in and of itself as it is the fact that very few twenty-year-olds have truly experienced the ups and downs, the depth of emotion, or the wide range of experiences and people which most thirty-year-olds have experienced.

That changes, of course, when you have a thirty-year-old who has kept to a very exclusive circle of friends, or who has never been in a relationship, or who doesn't think very much about the nuances and deeper aspects of life, combined with a twenty-year-old who is the opposite. But when that twenty-year-old is thirty, the former thirty-year-old who is now forty and hasn't changed, they'd better hope and pray that former twenty-year-old is still interested in being with him/her.

I suppose that to some, there's something subconsciously appealing about finding someone who's mature but still young, fresh, youthful, excited about life, and open to develop their tastes and passions with their partner's influence, a sort of ball of clay to sculpt into the sort of companion the person would want. But my view of reality tells me that not only would someone be unlikely to be truly sculpted long-term as they develop into their own person (assuming they ever do), but I want someone who teaches me and challenges me even as I do them. I want to have mutual respect and appreciation for each other's passions even if they're not exactly shared. And I want someone who is ready to go through life with me at my side as a helpful and faithful companion who knows they had options but consciously chose me, not a clueless, wide-eyed student-figure who's there to flatter me and make me feel young and sexually satisfied. Oh gee, did that come across with a touch of cynicism? Good. *wink*

Anyway, all that said, I don't automatically frown on relationships between people of widely different ages, and I do think the age difference becomes less relevant after about age 25. And again, sometimes, it just works, and I try to ultimately let the concerned parties figure that out on their own and trust their judgement. I just think it's absolutely preposterous when people confidently and defiantly declare "age doesn't matter one bit" or "love knows no bounds". They sound utterly juvenile to me, no matter their age. *wry grin*

It's possible I may have to eat my words if I ever meet someone who's younger than me but seems perfect for me and mature enough...or someone who has been in committed relationships when I haven't and who maybe has a successful career and home... Then will my position change because I'm experiencing the reality of it rather than some objective analysis? I may very possible see it differently then, but that's why I write things like this, to remind myself to remove my emotional attachments for a moment and remember the more objective reality so I don't make some stupid decision based on some sort of emotional "gimme" entitlement but with consideration for the long-term effects and fairness to the other person and myself. Does that mean I'll look back at this and break it off just to prove myself right? No. As I already said, there are exceptions, so as long as my situation proves to be outside of the ideas or principles I've mentioned, it's good to go. ...I just seriously doubt that's going to happen, in my case, with someone under 24 or 25 or much older than me.

Which brings up a point: should the actual age even matter, or should I just probe to find their life experience and gauge it on that, if it's not the number that really matters? I could see approaching it that way, but I have to make a couple of points:

a) if someone is unwilling to tell me their age beyond the first couple of dates, that's probably a deal-killer, for a couple of reasons:

1. if they'll withhold such a basic bit of information, what else will they deem unnecessary for me to know and withhold based on its supposed irrelevance?
2. it raises a red flag to me that they are likely to be less open than I would be about basic things that even they claim "shouldn't matter", and I can't feel the trust and intimacy I would want if I can't even know their birth year or see a driver's license. That, to me, is like refusing to tell them how many brothers and sisters I have or where I was born or even whether I've ever been in a committed relationship. No, those don't independently define "who I am", and they may not be relevant to a new relationship, but they do offer more of a picture, and why withhold it? It's all part of me, and there's nothing shameful in things I can't control, so if they'd judge me harshly by those things, then they aren't right for me anyway and I should allow them the opportunity to make that call.


b) as much as even I dislike admitting it, numbers and labels are indicators and markers that can most often help expedite knowing what to find out about a person and where they're coming from, so the number is helpful.

All of this because I clicked on a stupid MSN article that I actually thought was a good, succint perspective on the matter, even though I must admit the woman sounds a bit naive and selfish in just a couple of parts. Hey, I guess I identify much more with the guy's perspective, even if I acknowledge the validity of most of what the woman says, too.