What brings me to life?

I've been trying to focus my attention and energy more on figuring out what to do with myself educationally or professionally, how to make a living and engage in something I care about.

Thinking about it, I've tried to look at the basics, like what makes me come alive in a way, what has consistently piqued my interest, or what jobs I've seen which have made me want to "do that".

So I thought I'd make a couple of lists. First, a quick list of things I've actually done that have ignited something in me:

• Helping eyes light up with knowledge as they grasp new ideas and principles.
  
• Helping resolve conflicts, whether in workflow or in relationships, with improved systems of practice or approaches to communication.
  
• Putting on grubby clothes and exploring for critters in tidal pools or dense forests, away from the frivolous demands of dress codes and etiquette (though I love to learn non-human communication, or etiquette, so go fig).
  
• Service projects which make positive differences in people's lives and take pressure off of productive organizations which provide needed services without the lust for profit.

Then, a list of things I'd love to do in some capacity, without worrying, for now, about whether I believe I'm actually good at any of them, whether they're feasible for employment, etc:

• Capturing rare moments in photos which illustrate positive principles or draw emotions, increase understanding, maybe challenge perspective, or connect humans with the world they didn't realize they're a part of or haven't stopped to notice.
  
• Living in or at least visiting a simplified setting more connected to the processes I live from, which really put financial comforts and luxuries into perspective.
  
• Writing a story which compels people towards understanding.
  
• Working with people with particular challenges to help them learn to connect with other people and function in daily life in ways that work for them or enrich their experience.
  
• Identifying and speculating about behaviors and patterns in the natural world. Observing complexities of ecosystems and relationships between organisms, even if only to discern how it all works without any immediate practical application.

There are other things I can enjoy doing or can be good at which may be incidental to these things, like organizing (maybe conceptually or logistically) educational or service events, or preparing a marketing presentation, or editing documents, or taking family or wedding photos, or writing academic essays, or coming up with the most efficient system to keep track of documents, writing about places in the world and reviewing accommodations, researching and identifying target markets for a service/product, surveying for information, studying case law to tease apart the principles and regulations to be applied, etc. But getting my hands dirty with the things like those listed above is what has, in the past, really made me come alive. I think I've mentioned before (either here or on Facebook) that on my mission for the church, I lived out of two suitcases, and I often thought, "There is such value in being satisfied without luxury comforts and material goods, and I hope I never forget that." I've always been a little bit afraid I would because I do have some mid-range-to-expensive tastes: I really enjoy a good home theater system, would make delightful use of advanced computer and high-quality camera equipment, want a large saltwater aquarium, love me some Fran's Chocolates and the chocolate mousse tort at B&O on Olive Way, like an occasional $50 dinner on special occasions, would like a modest home but with a beautiful water garden and a view of the ocean or a lake, etc. But as much I've enjoyed finding the best chocolates or key lime pie, I've never "felt it" resonate in me as I have things like those listed above. Maybe I can conclude, then, that while I want to be financially independent and have enough resources to be able to help others when needed, maybe my pay needn't be a primary goal because I'm more likely to achieve a successful living if I do what I care about rather than doing something I don't care about in order to earn money. Money or office don't excite me enough to arouse my faculties, but the prospect of being financially independent and able to help others in need and give to worthy causes does, as does the ability to live where I want or enjoy really good food and the ability to travel and find experiences on which to build great memories with people I care about and expand my perspective. So there's probably a balance to be found...money would be nice to facilitate the things I want to do, but intellectual stimulation is more important, and I'd rather be professionally engaged in something meaningful and animating than wear expensive suits or eat gourmet dinners every night. But this is all a big tangent: back to what excites me. I figure I can either do those things in my spare time or find a way to make money doing them, but I want to invest my energy in these things somehow, wherever I think it will actually be productive. Meanwhile, I'm thinking of a separate list of specific jobs or parts of jobs I've actually gotten a bit giddy or motivated about as I've talked to people about them or seen them in documentaries or in person:

• Climbing a tree in a jungle to research and discover new species of epiphytes.
  
• Researching navigational behaviors of hammerhead sharks.
  
• Counseling couples to help them resolve the conflicts in their lives.
  
• Counseling people with mental illnesses or chemical imbalances to help bring them stability and happiness.
  
• Organizing the volunteer training or educational outreach programs of the Long Beach Aquarium of the Pacific.
  
• Heading coral propagation or seahorse reproduction research at nonprofit aquariums.
  
• Traveling to natural settings or social crises to document, in photography and maybe in writing, what most people will never see or understand firsthand.
  
• Self-employed stock photographer
  
• Fish breeder/supplier
  
• Researching Asperger syndrome or other aspects of human psychology and neuroscience

I do probably have to face some realities: if I were passionate about diving into the ocean, I probably would have already gotten Scuba certified at the very least. If I were a jungle-tree-climbing guy, I would probably be more of a camper. If I were really interested in research of marine creature reproduction, I probably would've studied more biology in school. If I were...screw the "if I were"s. I've been letting those stifle me all along. Nevermind what I've done: now is the time for what I really want and what I'm willing to go after, and if what I'm willing to go after is being an administrative assistant, then I'll find the best place to be one and be the best @#$% admin assistant they'll ever see. If I want to be a coral propagation specialist, then I'll have to study a lot more biology and chemistry on my way, but I always stifle myself really quickly with all of the "buts", and I've decided I really do believe I can do what I set my mind to, and even though it's late for me to be starting a career path from a B.A. degree, I'm not going to let that or anything else keep me from what my real limiting factor is: figuring out what I want without stomping it out with what I think are the "realities" keeping me from it. Maybe sometimes, you've got to figure out what you want and start moving towards it before you fully know whether it's possible. Until I start to pursue it, I might not know whether it's the impossibility or merely the fear of impossibility that's holding me back from seeing it through. Maybe the practicalities can come after I figure out what I'm actually interested in focusing on, which is why I'm done "discussing" this stuff with anyone: everyone always has a bias, a "but", a practicality to throw in there, which I consider before I've really figured out what I want. This goes way back...I won't go into it here. Maybe I'll go into it with a career counselor. :-) My first question is not "am I too old" or "can I afford to pay for the education" or "will it pay well" or "can I do it"...those can come later. My first question has needed to be: what do I want to do? What kind of work animates me and makes me feel like I'm living and contributing? What fields or environments stimulate my noggin and engage my curiosity or passion? I've already learned I feel numb, dead, and lost if my work doesn't satisfy those, and I suspect life is too short and too full of opportunity to settle quite yet.

Part of the problem is maybe the breadth and not depth of my interests, but I think a big part of the problem has been that I never let myself get very far in answering that before I decide an interest is "too this" or "not that enough" to consider seriously. Maybe that's been a copout, an excuse for putting off deciding. Maybe it's been a way to mask what I really want to do because I don't believe I can or should do it. But whatever the reason, it's been the hardest question for me to answer. I need some space from the many voices about job market realities and financial concerns and pay levels and job demands and theoretical future family considerations while I try to figure it out. I've discovered that when I find a passion, I will go for it, and I can take risks for it, and even if it doesn't work out, the journey and lessons learned along the way are worth something.