Not Enough Time to Explore

My brain rarely rests. I've never been good at just "accepting" things for long. Surprised? Didn't think so.

The thing is, I want to understand it all. I want to understand details, subtlety, relationships, interconnectedness, structure, and logic. It's never seemed like enough to just "accept that that's the way it is", particularly when there's a possibility it could or should be something different. When learning about something, it's rarely enough for me to hear one side. I usually want both sides. And then I rarely conclude with any certainty that one side or the other is right, but if something they say fits into the puzzle, if it makes sense, I tentatively poke that piece in.

But one of the frustrating lessons I learn and relearn throughout life is that I don't have time to do this with everything. I don't have the understanding to complete my search for truth. I don't have the experience necessary to provide needed perspective in putting it all together. Part of me wants a hard, fast answer or solution: a clear explanation of why this or that is or exists or works. Another part of me avoids nailing down an answer because it's just likely to change or adjust later with additional knowledge or experience anyway, so what's the point in nailing the answers down when I'm probably going to find out later that what I thought was set has to be broken apart and reassembled again? Besides, where's the fun in having nothing left to solve?

I suppose this is one reason the idea of living forever is appealing. Time to continue satisfying this thirst for understanding. Even if a person lived for hundreds of years, I'm not convinced they'd get ahead of the curve as humanity grows and expands its knowledge in every field of study and every nuance of the human experience.

So time in mortality constrains me to either continue learning a little about everything and never really be an expert on anything or to focus my energy on one or two things to learn every nook and cranny I can find about them. Neither seems a fully satisfying option. Something in between should do the trick, if I can figure out what most piques my probing curiosity so as to merit particular focus.

In the meantime, I'll enjoy the investigative journey, try to remember to experience things without having to understand them beforehand, to be productive with the understanding and knowledge I do have, to contribute what I can to worthwhile pursuits towards progress and improvement in the world around me, and to develop what I think will ultimately be of most value to me when my body is shriveled, my mind dimmed, and my senses dulled: relationships.