Maybe it's the tiredness taking effect, but tonight I lost my desire to return to Seattle. I have great friends there. I love the area. I have great family there. The work was good. But the simple fact remains: there's no going back. Things will be different. They always are. And they should be. Part of why I left is because things weren't changing, and now I'm detached because they have changed. Maybe this will pass, but it's an interesting realization right now.
This won't make sense to anyone but me, but why not post it for the world to see, right? I'm just in a strange state right now, sooner than I thought I'd find myself here: feeling like a new direction is iminent and suddenly feeling like the return is not an option. So now what? Where to? Whom to? What next? Do I find some permanence? Geographically? Personally? Interpersonally? Academically? Is permanence a pipe dream?
It may be time to "regroup". Time to retreat into solitude. To reevaluate my core, my context. And I thought I was done with all of that for a while.
It's funny how, in drunken weeriness, some of life's more bitter or enigmatic contemplations are accentuated beyond what I sense day-to-day, revealing the urgency with which I truly view them. They may be exaggerated, but it's the exagerration which reveals them.
Wow, I'm going to read this tomorrow and wonder what was in my water. Yeah...sleep...
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